@lacrity

2011-12-22T02:45:00.000-08:00

The Recent Fall of the Titans:

Vaclav Havel (1936-2011) : Truth and love must prevail over lies and hate.

Kim Jong Il (1941-2011): The people are my god.

The perception of how close they stick to their motto is as polarized as their background, belief, as well as political and social participation.

While there is hardly any surprise about this, may they RIP. It's a natural right everyone should enjoy, regardless of how much he has defended or violated others.

2011-12-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

I, Too, Sing America
by Langston Hughes

They send me to eat in the kitchen

When company comes,

But I laugh,

And eat well,

And grow strong.Tomorrow,

I'll be at the table

When company comes.

Nobody'll dare

Say to me,

"Eat in the kitchen,"

Then.Besides,They'll see how beautiful I am

And be ashamed--I, too, am America.

2011-12-16T23:02:00.001-08:00

Saturday’s Child
By Countee Cullen

Some are teethed on a silver spoon,
With the stars strung for a rattle;
I cut my teeth as the black raccoon—
For implements of battle.

Some are swaddled in silk and down,
And heralded by a star;
They swathed my limbs in a sackcloth gown
On a night that was black as tar.

For some, godfather and goddame
The opulent fairies be;
Dame Poverty gave me my name,
And Pain godfathered me.

For I was born on Saturday—
“Bad time for planting a seed,”
Was all my father had to say,
And, “One mouth more to feed.”

Death cut the strings that gave me life,
And handed me to Sorrow,
The only kind of middle wife
My folks could beg or borrow.

2009-08-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

Less passionate the long war throws
its burning thorn about all men,
caught in one grief, we share one wound,
and cry one dialect of pain.

We have forgot who fired the house
Whose easy mischief spilled first blood
Under one raging roof we lie
The fault no longer understood
But as our twisted arms embrace the desert where our cities stood
Death’s family likeness in each face must show at last our brotherhood.

~ The Long War by Laurie Lee

2009-06-01T01:39:00.000-07:00

Guilt

Attacks at night, like a thirsty vampire bringing/exuberating absolute darkness engulfing all life forms with warmth sipping a glass of blood mixed Lafitte, with absolute elegance.

His fingers dance along with Schubert orchestrating forces in the dark siphon out life from its prey in absolute order.

The rhythm dictated by Schubert-Sight, sound, sense, and last selfness. The composition proceeds forcefully but at a patient rhythm.

He sips as his finger taps the crystal glass shining cold with a tempo gorgeously coherent with Schubert, even though thirst is setting a blasphemous sunrise in the passage connecting his temple, throat and chest.

He is slowly losing his sight, sense and selfness too, but with absolute clarity mounted on absolute empowerment.

The prey’s soul cries a thousand languages of pain, with absolute vigor but is wholly swallowed by absolute silence.

However, the prey’s face wreaks a beautiful smile following his smirk.

His temple bursts in pain strangled by the final resistance of the prey’s soul.

The climatic notes are hit by his temples explosion and the mute implosion of his prey’s soul.

In this moment of time, both are mesmerized by the absolute lyrical match of the powerful predator and the powerless prey.

Guilt is the vampire and the prey.
It is absolute.

Guilt

Is the daypack on a man’s back which hosts the kick to switch the master of the man’s body, in the form of a werewolf. It defines and is defined by absolute brutality that tears down the persona which in reality is showcased to the world with the information content that sculptures his character. This natural mask is the portal between the man’s inner and outer reality. But this mask, which holds the key to his soul, bears the weight of Titanic and ought to sink once greeted by the moonlight. The kiss of the moon transforms the mask, the portal, the key into a state of absolute rupture. The volcanic explosion, not captured by any conventional definition of aestheticism, swirls the man into a whirlwind of hellfire that only commands absolute evaporation of the mask, the portal and the key, both in its physical and spiritual sense. Absolute meltdown it is. The content in the daypack, thrives at melting point in which the sudden outburst of heat is transformed partially into a thunderous roar that aims to tear down anything else within the perimeter of its reach. At that point of evaporation, the mask, the portal and the key evaporate and transform into a part of the latent heat energy to drive this madness to a higher level. The man, now a beast, is but a form of being highly reactive, instable and absolutely liberated, trying to liberate everything else in the form of evaporation. The ultimate meltdown.
This form of liberation knows no bound until all the energy is spent to its natural course.

Guilt is the man’s taking on the bag, not wanting to leave it.
It is voluntary action to a sequence of involuntary pain in a world of madness.

2008-10-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

WORDS
are the flakiest lovers, like stamina,
among many other things.

Written when ultra tired.
cheerio.

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2008-05-27T15:54:00.000-07:00

Actually doing it

I guess the level of intelligence of a person is quite apparent when he gets himself sicker soaking in his wet shirt after sports under the fan on a raining day for a couple of hours, especially more so when the purpose of the physical training is in order to unblock his respiratory passage.

However, this funny dude would have done the same if given another chance. He would have still gone to pay his aunt a visit. It’s something beyond spending some time with his nephew Daniel, and his niece, Shasha. There’s talk about dinasours, listening to different Barbie characters, encyclopedia, animals and some lil clowning :P etc. (Don’t mind the sudden change from a 3rd party narration :P)I have gotta give it to them man. They really know so much more than when I was at their age. N I think Shasha told me something was spooky (no it wasn’t me). Damn, I dun think I knew wat a spoon was in English at her age :P

Anyway, I had dinner there. It’s pretty a hearty one. There’s a lot of nostalgia around the house. I can safely say that I spent most of my early years thr. My aunt’s cooking to me is like mama cooking to most ppl. I really felt touched when I started to mouth the food. Then thr’s this surge of thoughts again that I should be able to repay her grace upon me at my age had I not derailed. I hope she’s gonna be around for sometime till I’m able to at least reciprocate. I still have very vivid memory of her taking me to the clinic with me clinging on her back (while she walked through the sun and rain), or sometimes w her bicycle; going to the wet market after some 30 minutes walk on Sunday; and uncountable occasion of me sick n puking n she taking care of me along w my cousins; or bathing me till I was like 5-6 years old; beating me n threatened that she’s gonna chase me outta the house(and I actually took my clothes n walked out at the age of 5 :P ); going to the neighbor’s house and showed me to the ah-sohs around; bringing me to her workplace, again on the bicycle (at my early age, sometimes some place I could not identify but she was washing clothes-she’s a widow living through turbulent times raising 3 kids alone, and all three turned out really proper); secretly stuffing money into my hand throughout my adolescence (n still does it sometimes like during my bday, actually that kinda hurts wateva it does tho I feel real blessed at the same time); buyin me lotsa shirts back then when she worked in the factory, and the list would go on as it is intricate, leaving its traces all ard my memory however it takes its form.

I have been an ignorant recipient all this while. Apart from stuff that I bought her from places that I traveled to; and some oilment I bought from pasar malam that I hav yet to hand to her to date, I can’t really recall what I hav really done as a token of appreciation. Of cuz, one way to repay her is to be proper and make her proud, but then, thr’s much more that I could hav done and can do but did/do not.

Thr’s some trade off if ur like the black hole in which lotsa attention and care are poured into u by many many great ppl around, it also proportionally strengthens the fact/feeling of indebtedness to these ppl. It kinda ticks u off a bit when ur not really thr yet to reciprocate that even at the most basic levels.

But that apart, i’m also pretty content with the going of my current life. Contrasting to the previous post where I talked about the difference of knowing and doing, I’m now actually doing a lot of things. And it’s beyond physically partaking in some physical work, as in doing things literally. I like my new vibe of absolute zen. Well not exactly new, but I have come 2 realize that my core is really back, and probably strengthened in some way or another. It makes me feel steady that with this feeling of being anchored I can take on more. If there is any expansionary or additional undertaking, I would be much more content to do it w my current Zen vibe :P I also come 2 realize that I can look at brighter sides of the slow going and the bumps I hit here and thr and hence sincerely enjoyin those luxuries now while I still chance them, for instance spending more time w my sis and at home, more time for myself, do a bit more reflection, and etc. I guess when life’s a bit slow, thr’s no harm tryin to maximize its utility and value and accept that wholeheartedly. It’s only a stage of being. Life’s clearer and simpler if u see through the forms and look at it at the essence, then u tend to realize the things that r of utmost importance are often things that many find intangible and immaterial. If zen comes from within, external factors cant easily mess it up despite the seemingly pressing circumstances, not to say reaching and messing ur core. Btw, I find it pretty odd to read watz claimed to be wat I said on my fren’s (sakai heay’s) wall. Lol I can’t recall saying something like that :P I think I c lotsa future in me becoming a priest or a monk.

And finally, I do not noe how else 2 do it. Neither do I noe how many times do I have to repeat this: I x hate u, thr’s nothing 2 be sorry about. So I would be relieved and glad if u also can set u free from a sense of guilt. Then it will add more ‘positivity’ into my zen-ness :P I din manage to tell u tat I was glad 2 c u here. It makes me realize that the growing peace in me is not artificial, and not some illusionary bubbles that I was deceiving myself with. And again thr’s not a moment that I hated u whenever I was w u in the tourney. Thr’s only peace. Unspeakable peace- one that even surprised me. Like thr was no humanly emotional content in it. So I guess it’s a pretty good sign that I really m alrite. So neither do u need 2 worry bout me nor should u keep entrapping urself in some lump.

Now that my being is founded, a peaceful soul empowered is seeking for the higher value named la passione~ lol. Thr r some interesting proposals, let’s c how many will materialize from bubbly words and flying ideas :P

It’s no longer plain knowing, but I am doing that. Exactly wat I envisioned.
Slowly but surely.
I am peace.
This is ho, adam ho lol

Cheerio.

260508

2008-05-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

No Zen for a locust

Turbulence engulfing my just departed Zen doesn't seem to get exhausted stirring the orderly peace-backed routine I managed to sustain for a couple of weeks before. Is the path of derail, caused by a more extreme encounter, an envelope of gust unsealed? M I to be stalled hopping? M I to cling still against it? If otherwise, m I landing safely? Either way asks of a sobering thought to respond to the seemingly not so sober divine plot drafted to prompt for a precursor to the next one.

How much does it take to endure which ever way it leads, with my severely exhausted tonicity (by my past seven thousand years)?

That’s why chow chow’s random but innocently honest remark is interesting. I’m taxed. Hence what she observed.

An Encounter is a game. I wished I could not beg to differ.

Btw it’s been a week of continuous farewell bidding gathering. Sincerely wishing u guys good luck, along with the confession of a sense of privilege to have encountered u guys. In this I’m certain to pride myself with indisputable luck.

Reminder:
Up the reading progress
Up the progress to be ready for joomla whoring
Get the freakin visa done
N rethink trainin/ feedback methodology
Keep wat sani says in mind. He’s rite. But that’s only after I passed.

N yea if thr’s time, gotta get a copy of no country for old men

Cheerio

2008-04-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

This day last year

-The eternal departure of a friend, a project manager, an environmentalist, a funny person, a bf who wrote to his gf by the river everyday, which was marked by another independent coincidence of a much lighter scale tragedy that took the form of a 1cm scar on a left fist.

Paying tribute to him. As I’m reminded of how I bled on this day-And whatever memory it triggered in which gratitude and sadness intertwined in the face of the struggle, or perhaps the independent fight with and against life. One remained. The other taken.

I hope the 1 remains remembers to honor that with a good reason.

Remember, remember

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250408

2008-04-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

Metamorphosis

I guess I can only say that life’s been an impatient teacher to make me wiser.
Have I benefited in any sense? No idea.

KH, its good advice but I’m not sure the net effect is really amalgamating more positive feelings with my self. But then I really appreciated that small lil chat I had with you.
It also made me realized I might have gone back to square one. Whether it’s a good thing or not, really is up to how I put it in perspective. If Life Is Beautiful can be beautiful, I believe nothing can’t be.

Something was hatching over the past few weeks, but I hav lost words of telling wat it is now. N I hav lost counts of how many times the motion changed. Something has changed I feel but it seems like nothing really has.

Was advised not 2 dissimulate my sentiments. But I have got no idea what they are.
If this is metamorphosis, I can’t wait to c watz thr for me when I transform.
I hope I can fly.
Higher and further.
For that I will bear me immobilized until I’m ready.
And its not easy.
But i'll break it one day.

Am I evil? Am I good?
I’m done asking questions.
I dun have the answer.
Does anyone?
-Dexter, Season 2, episode 11-

__________________________________________________________________________________

Was completely knackered after interscool. The damage i brought unto myself:
Slp. Meals. And the reality that i finally came to c.
Still somewhat taxed till now. But the past 2 days had been crazy. Thanx for those who were part of it. But then i seriously was a bit offended when none of u paid attention to hotel rwanda that i played. How can any1 not like that film? Just no way~

N yea gay, i was happy 2 c u too. Real glad that i could manage 2 spend sometime w u. Thanx for the movie tho honestly speaking i was ultra tired n m still pissed at the ruthless not-that-intelligent censorship practice. Probably that mite be the last occasion for u me and ustad to be together in a pix. Let's set a time 2 go to TanZ together one day, wat say u? Would love to c kilimanjaro myself.And the flamingos sea. would be cool would it not gay? :P

N choob i din noe u read me here. Dont forget 2 buzz me before u leave aye?
ultra tired again. not sure if something is wrong w me. hope not.

cheerio
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2008-04-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

A day of quotes: Sometimes the truth speaks from a peaceful place
-Dexter Season 2, Episode 7-

These r quotes registered in my mind, quite a handful from Dexter when I watched it. Pretty cool.

Ah, my Beloved, fill the Cup that clears
TO-DAY of past Regrets and future Fears:
To-morrow! Why, To-morrow I may be
Myself with Yesterday's Sev'n thousand Years.

-Rubaiyat-

Introduced by kye. It still amazes me n I still lk these lines a lot.

From Dexter:

The pink cloud

It’s not the person.
It’s wat that person makes u feel about urself.
Dat is real.

Sometimes the truth speaks from a peaceful place
-Dexter Season 2, Episode 7

Maybe this is how evil works. Destroying everything it touches.
-Dexter Season2 , mayb episode 11

Then thr’s some reference to Mark Twain in the serie, n I kinda of liked it too:

U cant depend on ur eyes when ur imagination is out of focus
-Mark Twain, quoted in Dexter Season 2

N thr were some other that I conveniently copied, trying to load this entry w a lil bit more wisdom from the wise :P

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
I really do believe in that, even though sometimes actualizing it is not easy at all. Even though I do it clumsily.And at times i'm not sure if that is what i'm doing.

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

"Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Probably I know it too early that my ‘education’ interfered with my schooling. Sigh :P

Then there were some misc quotes on the page too, so I thot I mite as well…

"Deliberate with caution, but act with decision; and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness."

"The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself."

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

Then under the mixed effect of watching Dexter and reading quotes, which is like adding mentos n coke to my brain, I started to make my own quotes :P

It’s the fuck of the century which denies my basic instinct(s) to survive.

This is the bomb man. My trophy line somehow cuz Ezanee actually complimented me. According to his professional judgment, this is the coolest line I have ever said :P It did lift me up a bit man, cuz I crawled from a man whose English “is fucking bad” (Ezanee and Friends, Being Polite, 2004)

If u hav watched Basic Instinct, probably then u would understand and agree on y its cool. But then u probably would not.

Then thr’s this childish corky nerdy cheesy quote that popped onto my mind 2 break that level-upped awesome vibe I had.
Morning comes when u hav u removed from mourning
lol

Thr’s a ring belling in my head when my fren sed that siblings are one’s link to his/her past. For me I’m blessed w a few more. Gay frens (with no reference to sex and sexual preference) who I hav known for my whole life, and my writings n sketches. Lost one of my sketchbooks which was a record of expression for the past 4-5 years. Even brought it to Php, NZ and Sabah. N at the meantime I found that I only have 3 pieces of writing(wateva they are) in my computer. M pretty sure I had the original ‘manuscripts’ somewhere at home :P
It would really be great if I could find more. I nearly forgot how much I liked 2 write. N how much I liked the language. Now ppl are even at times surprised that I know Chinese despite it being my fav. But it doesn’t show now , sadly. It has become my mistress in the dark :P

These are the two other survivals of timely negligence.

你把我的心幻化为球
一个转身       一个微笑      一个投篮
留下一地眼睛的碎片
闪亮

Thr’s no title to it. Written about 4-5 years ago. Like most of my poems in the past, its done in seconds when I was suddenly inspired. This one was pretty widely circulated among my frens. I kinda liked it too cuz its one of a few which was actually simple n direct n looked more like its meant to be understood by another earthling. But then thr’s was also speculation from one of my frens that I mite plagiarize it cuz he read something similar elsewhere. Well do I look like I ever care? LOL

看羽毛沾上霸欲之美

我睁开眼    看你    展翅
傲立于我0度     以背
面对我的摒息    以及    欲滴的云雨
以   钛钢之翼打造     通往天国的云梯    以及孕育云朵的岛屿
“我不得不去”
逆风削来你内心凝结于眼角的泪滴
和    徘徊于你喉间战抖的回忆
你    的心     渴望一场圣洁的雨     平息你羽毛象核子膨胀的霸欲      侵蚀
如我泪滴     地面象泉涌的富裕     和他的子弟
你     展翅      然后    我    只能睁着眼
看你孔武有力     的冰冷之美

让黑暗高空     象炎阳照耀
让黑暗平原     象牡丹一地
让黑暗人心     正大光明

你说阳光     令你视而不见
他的头颅    呼唤他的腿
她的手指    摸寻她的臂
以及成千上万的    他和她的
亲友的
锥肝锤心     悲号
撒下一地的      红
鲜血的记忆     淌滴

当    爆裂夺空呐喊
象新年烟花绽放
在空中散开    回舞的花瓣    撒下一地的   红
他的头颅     她的手指
他的腿     她的臂
及     躺着哀悼的花朵
燃烧     你神经的神经线

新年爆竹处处响
令
你迷恋     飘在空中     红     色的花瓣
他的头颅     她的手指
他的腿     她的臂
和最后最后     满地红色碎片
残留苟存在泥土中的呻吟

This is another blatant remark of my naïve youthfulness. Wrote it cuz I wanted to send it to some competition initially. Dropped later on cuz its too troublesome to get passport photos, make a couple of copies which had to be compliant w the prescribed format etc. But then, probably I shouldn’t. Thr were parts that were too scattered. Some were awkwardly disconnected. N there were also parts that were not very comprehensible, even though there were a few that I kinda liked. Itz also a response to US’s invasion to Iraq that time. N the style of writing was influenced by the reading material that I was sinkin in, and also a sea of movies that appreciates the beauty of violence. :P

But then i found that it appears as if depression is my goddess of inspiration.hmmm m sure i wrote something happy n positive too :P will c if i chance tracing them.

Alrite, that’s all for a break. Cheerio

~Hey u, nay not u, but u, yes u,
I’m glad I didn’t take u for a walk down the stairways to hell when I could.
Even though I was tempted to.
but i was afraid that i could not avert the evil which was becoming of me~

2008-03-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

Finally Finally

Finally hav gotten kari to come clear up my pc.
Its been a pain in the ass in so many ways.
Like cant browse any pages at all, can’t log on to anything etc
In which all cases happened randomly but the randomness was consistent for quite a period of time. It’s ‘virused’

I had been quite similar for some time.
But (m) finally anchored now.
I’m still glad that I took some time 2 wait till I could finally think straight to think through it. And attend to issues one by one. I wanna do wats right eventho it mite be slow. (n its not like I could rush for it anyway)
Says a very wise fren, ppl x think straight in delicate situations
And I think it’s essential to move on. Or it will be a landmine left to be triggered if I skipped this stage 2 wait for/gain the realization.

But yes, I think it does seem so, babe.
If thr’s an end after the end. This is it.
(Sorry if it contradicts wat I said. Really I could not be more serious)
It’s becuz watz hurt is more than feeling.
And I think I noe watz unintentional and watz not.
I think I do.
That only happened bcuz I let it to.
Those were the daggers I gave.
Those were the bulls’ eyes I let u see.
There was only one reason. There was blindness. (but its only me)
That entailed a higher degree of tolerance/acceptance. Sincerely it did.
N I could not be more humble in my plight.
Now my brain finally starts takin charge, it’s more a function of rationality.
It’s my independence.
I want it 2 be clean.
Cuz it is.

* Probably I mite be a disastrous episode at the other side of the story. I sincerely apologize if I was. Neva meant any harm at any time. Even though I can’t say that I responded well in all circumstances. But that’s the best I tried. I’m sorry if that’s the case.
But with this I’ll box it all up. Then I’ll proceed.

On another note, I found thr’s only 3 digitized writing that I did years ago in Chinese when I used 2 write all the time. Literally. This is one of it. Written about 5-6 years ago at a pretty gay time. (ard 4-5 am). So strange that every detail surrounding me when I wrote it is still so clear, including the emotional content. Felt like laughin when I read it. But thr’s nothing really laughable. And I was really young lol~~~

第一章夜

因為快樂，所以悲傷；
因為悲傷，所以快樂。

雖然這時候，頭腦不太清醒，也不太清楚何謂因悲傷而快樂，因快樂而悲傷；不過腦神經的確那樣告訴我：他就是這樣的一個人。

凌晨4.30am，再怎麼樣精神錯亂的人也不會在這個時侯瞪著鏡子；儘管的想像一些悲泣動人的畫面，自編自導自演。廁所的鏡子清晰地出現一張自戀的臉，有點蒼白，有點悲哀。顯然令那照著鏡子那白癡沉醉的，是一雙細小但會在陰暗處炯炯發亮的那一雙眼，因為他盯著它不放。它象一頭狼幽幽地看著蒼白的月亮孤獨的悲號一樣。似乎在裡邊的，有少許就是真實的。而虛幻的畫面，是那些真實可逃之處。
所以快樂的他需要躲進一個悲傷的虛幻里；
而快樂的虛幻需要擁抱一個真實的悲傷。似乎真的需要那樣才可以平衡。

現在的他快樂或悲傷？
現在的他快樂和悲傷。

他所能做的大概只有坐在桌前發愣吧？
風扇似乎也開始哭泣了，當他扭開了風扇以後。

有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了生命，因而詭異。
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了哭泣，因而謐靜
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了光亮，因而黑暗。

他只寫了這几行，就停住了。從他胸間此時逃出了一口氣。隨後他泡了杯咖啡啜了一口，然后左手用力的捶了桌面一下。他的眉頭是微慼的。可能他不太喜歡咖啡吧？

他向來只喜歡喝茶，而且平常還滿祥和的。今天他顯得略為煩躁。說來他已經持續一個禮拜失眠了。

桌面上，除了有杯暖的咖啡以外，就是一疊雜亂無章的紙張。這些日子，他總會在夜闌人靜后，就有的沒的寫。那一疊亂紙旁擺著他的手機。他偶爾會對著那灰色的手機按按看看，然後嘴角一翹，仿彿看到的是天使用手機傳送給他的靈感一樣。那麼，他便感覺到生命，象天使一樣。

有時候他還會熄上房燈並且讓手機亮著，然後在床上睜睜的看著手機在黑暗里光亮的藍燈，似乎是一頭孤傲的野狼的不安的焦慮的害怕的凶狠的眼在注視他一樣。那光對他而言，就好像惡魔賜給他的靈感。那麼，他便感覺到生命，象魔鬼一樣。

他是一個很怪很怪的人。除了看他手機里的短訊的時候，他是木無表情的，儼然帶著一副逼真的面具，除了那一雙眼。

他三個月前，還把一張照片收在左手旁的第一個抽屜里，然後就不曾抽開過那一個抽屜，使人覺得他是在那一夜把那一幀照片給埋葬了。

不過，今晚很特別。

他取出了那一幀照片，然後注視它，良久。

然後他的呼吸開始急促。

然後，他在桌面留下了兩點眼淚。

放開緊捉住盲目的風箏

那是攤在紙上的最後一行字。

眼淚，就是輕輕的滴在“放開” 和 “盲目”的中央。

那一夜，他便睡在一個輕飄飄的細細的雨夜裡。

安詳的。

But it shows something.
Talent is a mysterious thing.
At times cruel. :P
In a very comedic manner.

But this waterdog still means real business when he jumps into something. Despite of some sayings (from some expert konon) that a waterdog is overly shy. :P Especially that he walks out alive now yaha~

p/s cant tell how great I feel solid and anchored again.

Excerpted from my chat w sakai heay :P
can u not tell.
finally finally i walked out.
finally finally i feel stable.
finally finally i feel anchored.
finally finally i feel solid.
finally finally i got myselves back into 1 again.
finally finally m peacefully unaffected by my past
(tho still need 2 carry some phantomlike weight n scars)
I feel good.

It's also interesting that for some reasons it's turned out 2 be wat i want now.
how? no idea.

Cheerio. Hakuna Matata.

2008-03-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

A rainy day

Its ideal to

Sink into the couch n read.
Take a nap when tired.
Having a cup of hot drink within ur reach when u wake up n continue reading.
Music is optional.

Let urself dwell into urself
Let it go, dude, so that it lets go

Get some ice cream n start a movie/drama marathon.
Dig up the brushes n charcoal which are soon to be artifacts
And make them lively once again.
(Before they r put to hibernation for the next 3 years.)
Try very hard to artificially seek some inspiration to pretend as if ur old passion revisits and dances w u.
With ur imagination.
With the strokes.
Or with the words.
Or ur shadow as reckoned by the great Chinese poet named White.

Let ur thots (n any form of (sub)consciousness) fall free in the free fall
Let ur emotion gallop free to free ur emotion (or urself from)

Shower ur dog in the rain. And get wet.
Worm in ur dog if its big enough.
Or let it worm in u if its not.
Stay at home. Thinking.
Spend some time w some kids in ur family.
Defy age and embrace purity without empowering sk2 :P

Let white be u and u be white (not racist lol)

Take a step back n think wat 2 do when the sail is aback. Properly.
Transfer negativity into positivity.
See the world afresh. As if raindrops remake the world.
Start anew. Open up (for the future).
Savor alacrity.
Spark up.

Let hope be fathomless or u’ll fathom hopelessness
(Let ur hope be fearless or u’ll fear hope)

Driving slowly w some snacks at hand.
Go out on a sing-o-jolly roadtrip w some crazy frens.
Shout it out loud downhill.
N begone w the wind yaha~

Let the wildness embrace u so that u embrace wildness

Understand y things usually slow down in rain.
Keep it aloft within ur mind. Things r bttr done nicely than hastily.
(If they r mutually exclusive)

Let ur spirit withdraw u from the world, so that the world withdraws u from ur spirit
Getting scarily psycho dy. Like heavy rain that stomps heavily.

on u. against u. upon u.

Drowning.

Be really crazy on a rainy day.
Or be really rainy on a crazy day :P

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m about to embark on something crazy again.
It makes me broke for the next couple of months. Let’s hope that I do myself justice :P
N will definitely rectify this sem among many other things to the best of my ability.

Apart from that, true voices need to be muted and real emotional expression still need 2 masked. As its reveal is still unbearable. Both its lightness and weight. See it once and dun wanna multiply that.

On another note, alacrity revisits. n its growing fine. :P

Cheerio.

On a Rainy Saturday :P
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2008-02-22T00:33:00.000-08:00

Knowing and Doing

Now I’m supposed to be well versed w karma and how current life is failing the weak form of market hypotheses in a way. But then i'm not like my dad. However, what i understand is that the current state of being is a reflection of past beings, (not only limited to this current life’s), that somehow ur life at this point of time has some degree of inter-relation with the past actions/intentions(from here to the infinitesimal past towards the origin of time and being).

On that foundation, then it is built another paradigm that nothing is permanently real. That the relativity of significance of being results in continuos mirage that somehow feels so real that most being fails to see through its exteriority n look at its real core. Dat warrants calmness at all time. Against any circumstances. Against any joy. Against any harm.

The path to that realization requires continuous acquisition of wisdom.Only then a suspension system could be built within oneself to absorb shocks that the surrounding mirage transmits through its seemingly most real form.

Knowing is one thing. Actually doing n seeing through it all in an instant without struggle and without any undesirable resonance is another. My fren, or my frens, may all be blessed with breaking-the-matrix level of wisdom to live, for if u may u mite live forever. Amongst the greatest of the greatests. But then the greatests, more often than not are those who endure superhuman pain and evolve.

Cheerio.

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2008-02-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

While i was slp'g

Rocky is gone. For real this time. No more return. Joyful or not. Defeated or triumphant. Alacritous or tired. Simply cuz thr's no more returning of him.

Heard mom teared as he was taken away. They said, thr's hardly a fight from him, unlike other instances in the past. Sis said he wanted 2 go away cuz he sensed the end of his time nearing.
i cant help but 2 wonder if we had a part 2 play.

does he feel that the house is no longer warm bcuz of the concentrated attention shifting to the new puppy. I remember the time when i would sketch him lying elegantly in the house. yea hes a really cool poser. And has been a really great dog and a member of us. He was even part of my inspiration when i was writing about men's dog-like behavior, for instance the mixtures of mens pride n sense of defeatism... those were the days. N he's probably the most religious dog i hav heard of. Mom said he would ask mom to let him get into the house when my dad prayed. He would sit next 2 him quietly. Mayb he's a being of higher state than i :P

True that i din rear him up from infantry. But he's been a member for ages.
Losing him brings a sense of loss. Beyond my expectation as i x cuddle him as much as i do to the lil one.

I'll miss him. May he find peace henceforth.

A happy cny 2 all. cheerio
Besides that, i received something cool 2 start my cny this year.

2008-01-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

I am 1 lucky bastard :P

happy new year guys

2007-09-21T02:27:00.000-07:00

Congrats to KH~! He's one of my best pals, and he's a dad now!
Man, comparatively it seems like i dun make any progress in life... :P
(happenings surrounding my life seem to hint that the measurement of life development is to get a baby :P 2 many frens' babies this year )

Life's been bz lately. Definitely hav become more hardworking and have paid more attention to my academic performance, but still quite far from what i demand for myself. Today i spent my day unwisely again, and should keep this in mind so that by the end of this semester, my basics in the subject of learning will be of an excellent one. I have to constantly remember what i have done and what i wanna do.

Good news from the uni that any gold medal equivalent achievement in international tourneys qualify students for my uni's scholarship application. Seems like things start to steer to the opposite direction now. As I said on my msn, its just a matter of time. It really is. When the seemingly worst worsens, it will bttr when things cant be any worse. This is the time persistence, resilience, courage and determination pay off.

Well, I really cant say that things have been tragically unfortunate. Neither do i have preference in painting things more sensationally than it is in a melodramatic manner. I would just say that the feeling of insecurity has been in control. I'm more at peace at the current development of my life. Choices have been made, and accountability should couple them maturely. Clarity has undone the feeling of discontent about being directionless. I will do what i can do.

But first i will need to keep up with the class.
That's the primary task to complete in the upcoming weeks.
Hope everyone is great.
Cheerio

2007-09-06T03:01:00.000-07:00

First Breath

My break has come to an end finally.

With work up to my throat for a couple of weeks, this break is definitely a gift.
Its like being in the water (without a gas tank or a scuba), then gulping the first breath once breakin the surface. Dat first breath is my break.

With the break comes to an end, what follows is the subsequent breath. First one, relieving, but following would be the time when the realization of oxygen deficit kicks in. Then u realize ur still suffocating no matter how hard u breathe, for a while, with some funky spin in ur head at times complemented by a thunder of ur own breath as if ur disconnected from the surrounding reality. And then it will be the time an avalanche of work crumbles and raises a series of tsunami size waves. Yea RUN u bttr run. U’ll be engulfed but u might chance survival if u tried ur very best. U might.

Another one takes place in a different setting. Eyes closed. In the water. Volatile. A multitude of current attacks from all direction initially, which later on concentrates in one stream. Directionless. But force can be felt to push him away from his surrounding which he is familiar with since he has all the sense given. Timeless. Waves over waves of pushes. Silence. Then waves after waves again. Then noise. Mayb light too. People crying. Laughing. He feels afloat before something impacts on his ass. Then first breath. That’ll be the imaginary illustration of the coming of another debataby lol. Congrats~!

Yea another fren has gotten a baby. Another one will be expected soon.

The first breath is then celebrated annually, to commemorate the gamble of lives on that day. However, I have had one of my most celebrated ones this year. Really grateful for those who have played a role in that. Starting with my fam(which refused to celebr8 w a cake cuz it coincided with another funky Chinese festival :P), my gay frens (who also happened to be the first guys to buy me a bouquet of flowers in my life @my convo :P), the notorious Charliean craziloids who shouted with me in the k-room (k for krazie oo yeah, n itz really really really fun :P. 360k thanks to every1 for that, esp heay the organizer) and the voracious SPICE gals eating before me for 3 hours without a break with undivided attention (and then k box again lol):P Really enjoyed every bit of it. Some said I celebrated my bday longer than the king lol. Honestly I felt bttr than one when I had fun :P

Like most real life stories, it just cant be perfect.
It really would be if I could slp.
And without the strange random dream marathon even if I could.
(seriously I could remember one that I was takin photos all the time while I was slp’g and its not fun). I wished I could design a button to put me to slp at my wish.

Especially worse when my class starts 2mr and have lotsa work pending long enough to get over with. Yea even with my unimaginably odd repulsion to conformity. So I think I should try again.

Let me end this by some weird stuff that has happened in my life or some weird thoughts spurred out of the moment while I’m adam :P

1) Is the wave of human relation intensities analogue or digital if they could be graphed?
2) When I Adamized Mich
a. The body is the container of u, the latent energy is still who u r :P

Well, probably that’s a lil bit of this and that from a sea of random thoughts, happenings or illusionary reality of my life.

Do welcome Adamization once again.
At 0348.
Goodnite.

2007-08-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

A talk by Prof Mohd Yunus, the Nobel Prize for Peace winner of 2006

Well i sound more and more twisted these days. It really does feel like centuries ago since i last drop a word here. But then, there's really nothing much to write about. Really. :P

Anyway, a risky and yet strategic and now fulfilling wise decision was how i set my day off :P
In my cozy bed, i was really struggling pondering to make a very hard decision based on the eternal philosophic question that shakespearre posed: to be or not to be ? in my case :to sleep or not to sleep; if not, to attend or not to attend (the talk)? (since i have a group meeting for a case study at 10 and i havnt done my slides, oo the talk would end by around 10 s well :P). Still feeling the residual tiredness from last nite, and the nite before, and the nite before that.., all these options wr quacking at the same time. The AC was chilly and inviting against any change.
Finally i woke up n decided to go for the talk, betting on my prediction on the other member's punctuality based on my experience; and time invested to find that truth :P

I was a bit late, but still made in before the talk started. And its already crowded.
(Zoom straight to the talk :P)
Well, and he walked in, dressed pretty casually decent, with a warm smile of an up/inverted arch.
Indeed it was an inspirational speech, not to mention he's a pretty funny and witty guy too. Datz the reason why the house surrendered to his charm on stage; but yet the talk was grounded by his experience and his philosophy was translated through the narration of his work. (in comparison with some of the flowery but comparatively ambigious overly general speeches by some famous people).

My mind was triggered to some of my personal experience to some ponder about the social business , as he termed it. Especially about a brief comparison of charity business and social business, and their comparative significance.
Well initially jus wanted to record a couple of my fav quotes from the speech cuz i'm still rushing for my presentation :P. And they are :
"seeds of poverty are in the institution, seeds of poverty are in the society, seeds of poverty are in the system"
"poverty should be in the museum, not in the society"

For all the poors he helped
all the women he help empowered
all the beggars he reached
all his commitment for the past 30 yrs
all the lives he touched
all the perspectives about compassionate human beings beyond money making he propagated
all the green projects that are economically beneficial to the poors as well
he is indeed a man well deserved my/ i believe our utmost respect

i'm privilege to be in the hall this morning.
i made the right choice :P
cheerio

2007-07-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

baby boomers :P

yem and chua has a baby gal~ yaha~
congrats guys.

2007-06-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

There are times that undercurrent is overlooked. be it under the sea, river; beneath curtains of motions or actions; beneath a smiling face.
A smile when words are void and meaningless mite probably be the only outlet for frustation, helplessness, annoyance and there's-nothing-else-to-say situation.
When a stemming will/intention to volitionally shape your own life is at times drowned by expectation or unreasonable preconceived prejudice and assertive claims that can be emotionally destructive; when it should be nurtured and nourished, is truly pretty damn sad. Especially when wat was thought to be certain now is flickering in discontent and insecurity of the probable setback that it may bring. And the supposedly source of courage is now source of noise that suffocates ur infant ambition. A lack of appreciation of the unrecognized wisdom in that, is however no where near the damage of the concluded personality assertion(tho i still wonder how assertions can be concluded) that comes with it, along with a link that i think missing, and cant imagine it with my blunt rusty thinkin ability.
i'm set for a voyage, with a rough compass, inexperienced, inconfident. courage is critical.
if ur not helping, at least do not sink my will.
its my adventure. not urs.

2007-05-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

Just because
i sed u would be pleasantly surprised
i updated my links section
hope u like it

playful always
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2007-05-24T05:02:00.000-07:00

Home

Well, without realizing i have been lazing at home for a week plus now.

If laziness is one of the symptoms for post expedition blues, then i shall conclude that i have been suffering quite severely. Almost acute :P

Have been talking about joggin for the past 4 days or so, but only ran for some 1 km before it rained. However, wateva discipline and determination lost in sports are converted in my tv/serie marathon addiction. Nearly screwed up the trial day for a part time because of that :P

The highlite of my return has to be mom failing to recognize me. I waved at her afar, but she only recognized me when she's 2m away from me. Well at least i had fun waving in public for some 10 secs.

After all the fun and life experience, itz now time to think about my future more seriously. Application for masters done. Only need to get a proper job. M sure there's a tonne of vacant financial jobs awaiting me to fill in with my aerospace degree lol. Sounds really ridiculous; but that's wat i do.

On another note, i'm enjoyin the on-going catching ups with my frens even after a week. think it will be a minor grand project for short future.
Will share my expedition stories later.
but before that
i am back~!
call me if ur free
till then, cheerio

2007-02-22T10:11:00.001-08:00

o yea. 4got to mention
Kah hoe and siew ping are registered as man and wife today
congrats~!

2007-02-22T10:11:00.000-08:00

o yea. 4got to mention
Kah hoe and siew ping are registered as man and wife today
congrats~!

2007-02-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

Well. I hav settled the problem. And i can sell faithfully again~!
Thanx to sam low and kanijin today. For their contribution.
i'm stuffed with gas again.
And i'm pretty excited for the news from SC 2mr.
good luck 2 myself.
cheerio

2007-02-20T08:55:00.000-08:00

I neva had felt the slightest negative sentiment from my fundraising effort, despite of the hardship, frustration and wat not that come along with it. The surreal ambition of selling 200 packs in less than a week; the dimly glittering hope to get favorable response from the sponsor and to be able to raise enough fund altogether and the sudden drastic change in my fundraising plans and the increasing constraints i had, did not make me feel busted. Not a bit. Not even a split second. Not a single thought.

I'm feelin sorry for my fundraising plea today. Very. For a split second i din wanna continue selling no more. Even though the thought was washed away not too long after it emerged, it din wash away the sense of guilt i have. I really feel sorry. That keeps the possibility of me not being able to sell enthusiastically flickering. Unpredictably.

A very close buddy, indeed an almost-lifelong fren to-date, was placed in a very difficult position tryin to help me. Then the sayin that fundraising is a bitch echoes in me. I'm no longer sure that i'll be able to refute that with absolute certainty. At least not at the moment. And a bigger question was whether its fundraising or its me who is the bitch. That's a very heavy question occupyin my mind now. I'm too tired now to think for the answer. And i really do not know wat to say to my fren. It sucks. Trully. Honestly i'm still not sure that it happened because of me. But i jus cant help thinkin/feelin that i'm a factor. directly or indirectly.

And i was gonna post something bubbly today. After visitin a teacher, had a union dinner with another teacher and some other old buddies.

Its dispelled now.

First Do No Harm.
Did i?

2007-02-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

Man sometimes i jus love being myself. Energetic.
Datz y i still cant slp at 0435. And thats the punishment for drinkin a cup of saigon coffee in the afternoon. Great.

I did great selling yee sang 2day. First time ever, i managed to hit my daily sales target of 30 packs. Honestly, i really din see this coming despite of setting the target myself. But then, the figure was determined out of necessity rather than probability. And to be even more honest, i really dun think i can do this everyday till i leave for real. A good boost to my morale though. I'm slightly closer to the fundraising target. I owe this mental 100+ to my family- my aunts , cousins, sisters and etc. Apart from the sales, their support is immeasurable. Even my youngest sis bought yee sang from me using her ang pow dough. My fren from the states called her mum here to buy yee sang from me. My cousins and aunts, trumpeting and closing deals in a family gathering, to help me reach the unreachable. 30 per packs. i really din expect to be able to do that, despite of the increasing pressure to do so everyday for a week.

Apart from that i'm also happy to talk to some cousins whom i have not seen for ages. Guess that's all for the day.

And i still cant slp...

2007-02-17T05:25:00.000-08:00

V for vivified Valentines II

Well yea we were late at delivery but still managed to make it.
Then we pulled off straight away to 1u, hoping to catch a movie triumphantly. But then we were too late so we just ended up havin dinner(except yumin as she was playin bball), while i was slp'g most of the time. Think some disease crept into me since then which later on prevailed. (Yup i still needed to go 2 my class and to my cousin's place for discussion).

Along with the near dead sick experience, this Vday was an eye opener in many ways.
i would neva had been able to imagine the backstage of a lustrous Vday. O yea imagine the celebration of Vday(mainly by the consumers) is like a stage play; then the it requires a functional backstage to support it. Here, i mean the service industry, restaurants, and all other that provides for or facilitates lovers great romance and wat not. The one that i was closedly exposed to was the florist industry. Without this fundraising, i would neva extend my imagination to ponder the likes of a florists workin days and nights to deliver their orders. So is the increasing prosperity at the florist shop as Vday nearing. So these are the supportive backstage players who hassled tirelessly to make Vday show a success. While the seemingly romantic silky smooth Vday is going on, there's fierce undercurrent behind the scene, which is most of the time invisible to most of the people. Unless ur one of it. Or unless ur really observant and see the workers ants working to build the queen a pinkish nest of her dream.
It trully has enriched my life.
Especially when i have a great gang of ppl workin along with me throughout the process.
It would not hav worked if we missed anyone of those faithful members doing what they did. Everyone of them.
Thanx pal. If i hav not said that to u. And if u happened to come across my low profile expression channel.

Who are we?
What are we?
Charlie.
We managed to tame the seemingly oddity again~! Yaha.

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2007-02-16T08:31:00.000-08:00

V for Vivified Valentines

Now this Valentine's 07, is surely gonna be a very memorable one.
Keen rightfully refers to the period we were tested as the 48 hours of being florists.
This 48 hours is rich that so much has happened. Dramatic things. (and i mean it)

Prison Break- well with due respect, prison here refers to heay's hostel. She was grounded in her hostel and was prohibited to come out. I was waiting out there at 12 something am, communicating with her to collaborate some prison break plans, with my engine breathing at the entrance/exit. Waiting for her to rush out like an uncaged tiger(waowww~!), and (then) i'll bust off beyond the guards vision. Cool, i think, i hav seen this on screen over and over again, o yeah for a second i felt like my real name was Bandito Ho yaha~.
One min.... 2 min...
lol then for the following 5 minutes or so, nothing happened. i waited there by the road, and things started to be awkward. The guards peeped at me at times. i think they seriously think that i wanna kidnap innocent girls from their hostels. Heay buzzed and said that she cant jus walk out like that.
ok. Plan B. I suggested her to find some place where she could sneak out. Alas~She was tailed by 2 dedicated guards. ok, i will drive back to the base for the nite i guess.
Alrite, one man down. The war continued nonetheless. We need to battle against time to succeed in our clandestine project.

Lost- After the prison break drama, in which the protagonist failed to escape, i was on my lonesome journey back to The Base. Well i must admit that i wasnt really familiar with the routes there, but then i was slightly distracted by a msg beep and i took a right turn prematurely. And my roller coaster lost experience started when the highway started. With only one energy bar on my fon, i could only msg my frens economically. In a total strange highway, my worry was not that much of being lost, goin back home was not a question. Getting back to the base in time was my primary concern. One man's down. We cant afford another man lost.
So i took a very long detour like in the amazing race. With substantial difficulty i finally reached the Base safely. lol i can still imagine the breath that escaped from my chest when i saw the base :P
Remember Alamo lolllll yaha

The world is Flat - well wen i reached the base, its already around 1 to 2 am. Well, i was briefed of the situation there at the base. Alrite, we lost Heay (for that nite), along with her expertise wrapping couple and triplet bears. Utilizing the state of the art communication technology, one of the world's flattener as Thomas Friedman regarded as in his book, Keen started to msn with Heay to ask her how 2 wrap the teddies. So Heay skilfully drew a few 3-d pictures that illustrated the procedure of how to do the job. Well that stimulated some laughter among Xin and Keen. (i was not in the communication room until they laughed and wanted to share the joke). So the conclusion was, yea let's figure it out ourselves.

Sweet 18- While Xin and Keen were talking to Heay, Yumin and i were at downstairs most of the time. ocassionally i joined them and shared some fun. Then one of the motion in discussion was: how to get a lighter. It's Yumin's bday on that day, yea, she's a St.Valentino, born on the Vday.
We smuggled a cake into her house and was gonna ambush her with gr8 surprise. But then we had everything but the fire. So that discussion went on for a while, even after i left them, until they decided to give up fire and go green. Yea without candle light, we reduce a bit of CO2 emission, not 2 4get that the candles can be used again (reuse). lol We can contribute to the success of Kyoto Protocol hahaha. So yea, itz really cute to have a cake with candles erected without light. Xin and Keen surprised us by a sudden choir of Happy Bday and i joined rite after. So thats a really short break from work to hav a really cool and voracious supper. Of cuz, we din forget to take quite some pictures of above average oddity and absurdity lol. Yaha happy bday Yumin. But the bday gal din get any privillege after that, she still had to enslave herself to keep workin. :P (At the meantime, Heay was refining the presentation of some poems from 2 of our dearest customers in her lonesome lil cell...lol )

Sleepless in Subang- after some celebrative break, we all went back to our work. Well i mainly tied the teddies 2gether violently and stabilized them(violently too), as i dun have delicate skills in other areas. Keen turned pro in makin fancy ribbon ties. Xin became an expert in artificial blossoming exercise for some shy roses. Yumin was wrappin flowers and later on teddies. That continued until dawn broke. At the same time, silence was broken as well as Yumin's pets woke up, and when the terrier came harrass us :P (we were more like pets as we guarded the house awake while the dogs r slp'g lol)

The Departed- The remainin cake was finished off as breakfast. In great haste. Then we departed, with different missions on our shoulder. Yumin and Xin went to scool, to deliver the roses and to pamper some receivers of slightly malnutritioned roses. While Keen and I went to pick Heay up to form the three musketeers, or the Charmed, to assure continuity of production, as we ran short of roses. So we went to P St, and had wonderful porridge. A good kickstart to grab the best roses with lotsa other competitors at the florist's shop. We managed to get pretty roses, yaha. (honestly i felt sorry for those who got their roses before this, cuz they r really of different grades :P). So then we invaded Heay's college and set our base there. Time was tight as we needed to settle the balance in less than 2 hours and deliver them to Yumin and Xin.

Visit Malaysia 2007- I was running late as their recess ends at 1230. I left the college at around 1150. I'll fly my way there i thot. i had to. But bravo, our 1st world's traffic facility was extremely sluggish for anonymous reasons. I started snailing from sunway to pj. So thats where our toll charges go to. n yea i was late. So the plan is changed. I'd pick up Keen and Heay from the production base and rush to deliver the stuff to our agents inside the scool at 1510. We left the place at 1450. We thot another road was the escape for us from the traffic matrix. Nay we fell in another. I wonder if its really an asian thing, as they claim malaysia is trully asia. So we were late. Tired.Weary. But we did it~!

oops time to pick my sis up from scool. Part 2 and pix later. cheerio

2007-01-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

i'm touched today. again - when i heard my fren telling his story.
i din share his experience in that sense, but i noe wat it takes for one to narrate a story like that.

i like to read and watch movies. i hav come across ideas, plots, dramas, and stories which r much more majestically tragic than that.

but when some one u cared sincerely shared his/her heart and soul, the impact, as a human would feel, is much more thorough than any films could arouse.

i was pumped with all sorts of unidentical feelings running in my veins when i got his stories and were literally stunned for a few sec.
i really was and am still sorry to hear that. i really am.

i hope i were bttr help. but as a fren, i'm happy to c him stayin strong and lookin at things on the bright side. equally happy for him to share his experience with me, jus like how i'm learnin to share my feelings with other ppl more. for(the very fact) i'm able to feel the friction, perhaps a lil more than others.

i shall treasure all the kids in my family (which are a sudden boom lately). i like them so much, and therefore i could relate to imagine ur loss my fren. thr's no end to learn to appreciate everything one has in life. i think i'm really living a lil more through the words i play with now.
my frens, i'm feeling u more than i could, as my life experience is enriched by the day.

i seldom pray. but my sincerest prayers are with the newborn.
i would be equally happy should he live a happy, healthy and fulfilling life.
i shall pray with the emotions and wishes i have for my own sis, nieces and nephews, for the blessings upon the kid. i'm not sure wat good it does, but i certainly hope it helps in one way or another, directly or indirectly.

i have seen a mirror of life in a day. two sides of it. its also the full month celebration of my niece.

glad that ur hanging tough. gambatte my fren. bonnuit.
good nite and good luck.

ad

p/s- i'm not sure if u mind me posting this, hence the conscious effort to try to retract from detailing ur story too much. hope its not crossing wat it should hav been. pls let me noe if i had crossed the line, for i would be more than willing to edit wherever inapproprite.

2007-01-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

RIW(12-15/01/07)-Charlie the Champ not the Chimp~!

yaha~~~we survived the camp!
well it was certainly an awesome experience. glad that i had my teammates with me, equally happy with the facilitators assigned to us, and the game design, and the organizin comm, n etc ...
i will not (i hope lol, n i hope we shan't) forget :
singing outloud hakuna matata, negaraku n some other incredibly stupid if not childish songs hikin up hill :P ;
soaking in the river together n doing other stupid things that one can do at the river with imagination ;
whoop it up with the group cheer religiously, even when time does not allow that :P ;
sliding , falling, tripping in style(at times ugly, o lord i hav neva fallen so many times a day in my life for my sense of balancing is at least average if not good :P) ;
and having a hole at my ass(o yea the ass whipping hot sensation);
and wearing mud all over, at times even munching mud;
and being saved by xin all the time;
and listening to steve saying i cant take this no more throughout the trek but neva quit (ur my man bro~!) ;
pinching or being pinched at my face and being slapped becuz of mozzies that din exist ;
doing the penguin warm up routine together after near-frozen experience (yea rivers arent always comfy :P, for such emotional lovers they are);
being fully awake watching the trees n the sky on the 1st nite while others r slp'g sweetly(while prayin hard that the staff come n wake us up asap);
slp'g so close to each other that leon's face was jus 50 milimeter rite in front of mine if i turned inward (datz so geli, n so brokeback ;P) ;
playing games that i hav no clue at all while a sea of voices from the kids saying that yea i played this b4, we should... ;
fooling around with absurd ideas of fundraising (all the time) ;
doin the thai accent shit talkin about ping pong party 200 bath and ended with sowatdeekrap :P trying the tests together (and failing too :P) ;
sharing a chocolate bar on the bus :P ;
who are we ;
what are we ;
CHARLIE ;

man u kids hav got no idea wat u hav done to(enrich) my life (positively)
n man u wont hav a clue how much i hav learned from u

i sincerely hope that u'll be blessed with fulfilling years ahead of u

who are me? CHARLIE~
what are we? THE CHAMP
Charlie!!
Charlie Charlie Chit Bom Bom
Wuuuuuu~~~~Ahhh~

with warmest regards

2007-01-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

officially graduated now, lol jus got my fyp result...not bad, way bttr than i thot
its a happy day, yaha~

2007-01-04T00:13:00.000-08:00

2007-The Irony, the Hope and the Alacrity

Thr’s always a thing with great irony/apparent contrast. At least to me.
In close to absolute silence, my heart speaks loudest.
But, however loud my heart speaks, she did/does not stop me.
To run from fear, and to fear of runs.
Run is the undesired manifestation of a gratifying pull-I run away from what pulls me towards it.
Probably that’s why I have a thing for irony, especially cynical contrasts that reflect themselves upon my action opposite to my feelings.

But wat on earth m I doing while my heart speaks? And when my mind answers to that?
A simple answer : …?

Lol, like I hav always said, I dun need to drink to get drunk ya :P

Lol perhaps feeling the new year, pondering about wat she brings.
Flashing back 2006, or even years before that wheneva relevant; like how ur linked to the archive of Iraq when u read about Saddam; like tasting a glass of wine after meal, not thinking anything n yet ur mind gets wild like a drunken mustang. Especially true for a person with a hyperactively jumpy mind, like the scattered sparklets of the firework I saw that said hi to 2007. Voila. Across the globe, almost everyone, and every mind and every heart wishes for a better year. The wishes invited Tsunami last year and 8 bombs this year. Probably Saddam’s execution answers to some Kurd’s or Shiite’s wish, but arguably is a milestone of a bttr year. I just could not help but to compare the dazzling fireworks that shone above me and the fireworks that took place on the ground in Bangkok and in many places of military conflicts. I made my resolution n wished for the bttr when I was visually showered by the amusing beauty of the firework; but what would I have thought n done if I was in the latter scenario?

And again my mind is scattered, at some point hollow, maybe because I can’t bear the scarce probability of another wish (dream) comes true. Yea sometimes ppl do wish for something too good to be true. That is why when a wish erects upon the rays of hope; it leaves behind a shadow of grope. Still, in fear I hope, in hope I fear.

We, the ppl, crave for peace and happiness since Adam, or the Great Ape; but yet somehow always stuck in bloodswamps for various reasons. like the troops in iraq.
N so many other significant members making major decisions that could affect the world unwillingly, yea n I meant getting addicted to youtubes lol

I’m glad that I hav yet another safe year last year. I’m still alive, in one piece, w functional brain n body (yea esp certain parts :P), a complete family, caring friends and ignorant bastards m yada yada, wat can be bttr? Seriously, datz all I need to live on. Do I always think lk that? No. especially when I hav an argument w my sis :P but at least I do think about that yaha. Last year has been very rich tho quiet as in it let me see so many things so clearly. Its surprisingly, excitingly pleasant when ur able to see things with perceivably great clarity, tho sometimes it flickers across my mind that it would be great if I could see through things literally lol. Personally, I enjoy the irony in me no more. It makes me an interesting individual tho. Hope I’ll get rid of that pretty soon. And I will. Making that an agenda this year, I have become happier a man :P

On another note I wanna sincerely thank all my precious friends for being who they are. They would never realized that a thing they say sometimes does make me think(sometimes more than twice). Never would they know as well, how much they have helped when I dwelt too much into depression and self-doubt, through just the normal things we do- jogging, talking crap, working out, blogging, having a drink together or just being there with me, or even jus knowing that u cared when I could have ‘phantomized’ my existence even more. I owe my happiness to u guys n my family as well.

Perhaps the tone of the writing is deceiving in a way that I have been living an absolutely hakuna matata life. Like I have told many of my frens, I have been living like a retiree even when I have not started working permanently in my life. Probably after a few days of intensively celebrative days, I’m feeling the relative downs despite of still being happy.
I have learned with life that happiness is really potent in every single thing in life, after I have felt it in every thing I do recently. Lying in the sofa doing nothing, cooking with my sis, doing grocery shopping w my sis or frens, doing weight training at home, reading, having something to eat when hungry, having some frens around when I dun feel lk being alone…they all make me peacefully happy. Tranquility has become another facet/façade of my source of happiness. (not sure if this is a sign ageing tho :P)

Welcoming the new year as well, I have figured out wat I want to do and where I want to be. The how process is difficult and might be another scarcely probable mission. However, knowing wat to do with known difficulty tho extreme, to me, is still better than not knowing wat to do. :P

The years begone have enriched me to come to realize that everything I have now is a bliss, n its evolving(for the bttr). It feels lk time is really a good filter that after time what is left is the best. It applies to interests, friends, personal credentials, individual character and perhaps quality of life too :P.

I hope u feel the same.
And that ur happy there.
And I love u.
All of u.

With alacrity, I’m laying my hopes for the best of u and of me and of everybody (who loves peace :P)

To the world, Adam is joining u very soon.
Bid myself a smooth sail ahead.
Cheerio.
2007, Bonjour~

p/s congrats guys for winning the world’s esl, wished I could be there tho :P
p/s 2, n yea i have a new niece born healthily yaha~~

2006-11-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

Adam is back. o yea, so wat about it?...
Honestly, there really is no answer for that, as wat it means cannot be more subjective.
And who really does care btw.
these past 2 or 3 months have been quite heavy, not simply becuz thr's so much to do, or to rush for, or to frail upon, or to worry about. it simply is that it seems to me that so much hav happened, too many twists. even more than the prestige. sometimes there even had no time for me 2 react.
its like the year has been procrastinating and saving all that could have or could not have happened and cram it within this period n observe how dynamic we can be.
of cuz, life goes on, eventually, after all the aftermath ripples rest, but it doesnt mean that taking it all from life and to learn will be as easy as it sounds.
but then dun get me wrong, nothing really sad happened, really.
eventho i learned with my life, i feel with my soul the meaning and importance of independence. trust me, regardless of how much historical events that cite independence that one can remember or understand, he/she will not really understand independence unless he/she has been pathetically reliant on somebody else, be it technically, financially, soulfully or physically in which the dependence is not welcomed and is not mutual.
u would have to feel begging mercy by chipping out ur pride, dignity and personal feelings and helplessly accept wateva conditions offered regardless of how ur treated. if ur desperate.
u would have to feel ur hopes being played up and down and ur trust being checked in or scrambled, neither at ur will but others.
only when u are canned, u would appreciate the meaning and the ability and the blessings jus for u to be independent as a person. like a prisoner being freed. like the belt around ur neck unchained. then u really feel wat independence is. not studying independence how ur gov is teaching on D national day year after year. it really is a state of mind.
sometimes, there's no short cut but pain to reach that world of independence;sometimes u need to be whipped in life to break free.

on another note, things appear to be like getting a hold of the mirage in the water. wateva it means, jus a feeling i momentarily have, lol probably a state of mind

till then i sincerely hope the best for all
and that every can appreciate every moment he/she lives to the fullest
i hope u see a road out if ur lost

i hope that i could hav been clearer and more organized and focused, but
its just a way of life of mine when i'm down but not depressed; lost but not desperate; having something in mind but quite disoriented; having something to say but not quite sure wat

2006-10-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

i certainly hv been missing for quite some time.. well wat else can i say.. the due date for my fyp is drawing near and its feeding ants into my chests. so wat then explains my presence here at the moment. unfortunately, its not for a good reason. i would rather slp if i could than 2 be here at this hour at my fren's house. well let's jus forget this, i should hav been wiser to hav avoided all this. no1 to be blamed but me.

let's jus hope that it wont affect me for the whole week.

life's really ironic, esp when u work so hard for something, u get swirled into the contrary. for instance, i worked so hard to live a healthier life. really cant recall when was the last time i slpt past 2 am n trust me that's real achievement for me. however,... wat else can i say?

first, like i said, i could hav avoided this if i were smart enough
2ndly, i cant be frustrated cuz some1's being inconsiderate when i myself hav not been able 2 clearly express my wants and how i feel

bet i'll jus suck it up this time. good nite and good luck
all the best to all of u
sincerely, despite of a boiling heart and steaming ears
cheerio

2006-07-22T23:29:00.000-07:00

another laid back week, and while i'm peacefully resting

been back from NZ for a week now. as usual, a whole week is spent catching up w frens, more time w my sis, try talkin 2 ppl whom i wanna talk with, play w my nephews n nieces if not watching them play, oh yea itz daniel's bday yesterday. really cute. played w him n sha sha 2, who used 2 b afraid of me, but no more. trully a king of the kids i am, for i play w them as if i m a peer of theirs..lol. but unfortunately i din take their pic w my fon. had chloe's from a dinner few days ago. another niece i hav. i can only say that my cousins r pretty productive lol. i would say there were some happy moment over wat i did over the past one week.

definitely i hav not started my project 2. n datz literally haha. hope i can really do it as i'm still pretty clueless, n i think itz far beyond my league :P sigh need lotsa work n assistance and luck :P

the other day, the general ethics lecturer was making fun of US middle easterns' policies, and the lastest one way bombardment of lebanon and Israel's menace across the country over 2 kidnapped soldiers. My lec wasnt happy w the fact that many innocence are punished over 2 soldiers and US ignorance in this case. well US certainly does not, n most likely will not offer a benevolent hand, without an interest to pursue. n wat other bigger interest lebanon can offer, aside from itz famous lebanon bread n kebab that yields bttr goal than free service to bomb Hezbollah? haha datz y syria and iran are the problem of the middle east rather than those which r engaged in bombs exchange. sniff sniff , they sure noe wat they r smelling.. :P definitely not bread and kebabs. sad, but thats how things work.

meanwhile, our neighbour records one of itz most unfortunate year in recent history. volcano eruption, earthquake and tsunami hit that country in 2 months. while casualties are mounting, the aid and international attention is barely wat it was 2 years ago. n certainly and more importantly, less is achieved than it should for the past 2 years to predict such forceful geo-thermalogical activities to bttr protect the people. sadly, dun think lotsa ppl, esp those directly affected realize this. probably wat most ppl in the region need 2 study is the elected government and every individual's inter-relationship and each and every party's responbility to establish a functional democratic sys. probably they should read social contract..lol daz a book i bought recently. finally some serious reading after mentionin social contract to impress for the past 4 years. hmmm sometimes i wished i did more reading in the past n not now n not in the future.

at homeland, i certainly dunno y should the wedding of a celebrity cover the whole front page rather than a constitutional dispute over a historical review of the 2 most prominent races in the country. its trully sad if itz a mirror of the depth of ppl interest nowadays. n i thot the media plays a role in educating the ppl. guess i was wrong. n certainly the gov has done much 2 prevent the periodic haze problem that itz solution or any proposal is still unheard of. itz really frustating especially something that ppl feel with their own lungs and body, personally and economically, is not comparable to the news that the engagement ring is worth 400k. wat hav i done? certainly nothing, most probably wat i hav been doing will be wat i will be doing. thatz y i'm whining here, jus like many other more who jus noe how 2 talk. tho i personally believe more in action than words, i certainly hav not lived up to my belief. sad, mayb, but daz how ordinary i am. definitely not alone tho.

the world 2day i feel is more threatened than eva. more challenges, more conflicts, more disasters, more deaths. it requires more resilience of humanity that could be preserved not through wars. united we stand. but through out history, it shows that it easier for us 2 fall 2gether. real politics. real life. datz wat many believe. still some reservation for me. i hope thats not a bad thing.

2006-06-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

Addiction

There are times that u eventually end up fightin to reject something, be it some substance, some habits, some wateva that u welcome with great enthusiasm and alacrity when it first comes into ur life. Contradictory? Tell me about it. Almost all my smoker frens were really excited when they started. Almost all wanna quit now. However, only one managed to do it thus far .(n he’s a Hungarian..watz the relation dude? Well this is adam, and adamization, jus take it :P). The Americans were really hyper about Iraq, and now, they hav more pressure than eva to leave that place. But they cant. Well it really can be anything. Sometimes itz a thot. Sometimes it mayb a word that u say everyday. it can be an ideal sometimes. Once it’s become a habit that u cant quit, ur in it. N u mite wanna fight against it, once u find out that a particular habit and ur reliance upon it is deteriorating u as a person someway or another. U wanna eventually reject it. N u find out the more u try, the harder it becomes. The more u struggle, the deeper u sink. Like in a swamp.

The worldcup is another cyclone’s eye. Some r really so stuck into it already. Some has lost more than 10 grand. Some cant help chasing the games faithfully even if it means 2 hours of slp before work. Haha I’m one of them, n hence explains the unfocused, casual/themeless, n mayb senseless expression here. I’m simply too tired I guess. Physically. And job frustration too. :P. there r certainly things that I wanna quit.

Eg unhealthy worldcup syndrome

My practical duty
Insomnia
Periodic depression (lol u noe wat I mean)
depression mite hav ghastly become a habit here

N lot more to name. really tired. More real adamization when I’m conscious.

2006-06-08T05:58:00.000-07:00

i barely made it to the teams ~! :P
again, i saw pigeons flying, golden lites and angels
again, the peaceful scene was brought out by gothic ironically :P
there's peace in horror, romanticism in punk. (tho i prefer alternative more :P, yea still like LP tho mite not be crazily into it no more, sigh age o age)
explosive excitement in desperation turned dead environment due to the impression that i really sucked big time and the pscho prep for early retirement that i hav 'zen'-ed up myself 2 accept :P, like bombing scenes of a war in some movies while the sopranos r singing peacefully at the back. absolute contrast was wat i felt-rite after the chaotic outburst of all senses and feelings contesting 2 dominate in a somewat warped time-space that nothing could b really defined or rationalized. really happy :P m grateful even by jus makin the cut for wateva reasons there may be. hmm it really sounds messy (but who cares :P, happiness needs no boundary nor explanation, neither does it need 2 beg for understanding) so true for my sis n mom who r happier than i, tho they mite not understand the meaning to me, nor how much i wan2 b there for one last time. thanx ppl n i really wanna share that regardlessly. yea ppl no matter where u r, watcha doing, wat u actually think of this, feel wat i feel eventho i mite be 2 shy 2 express (it)verbally 2 share, embrace it. this is adamization~!

again adam is set in motion. enjoy the feelin of workin along w my team. happy w everyday cuz i work hard to the fullest n tire myself out to the max for wat the team defines as a goal. this is adamization.

again i hav not yet gotten back my bag. a shadow that mirrors the golden lite. a stain in my volcanic excitement. this is not adamization. i dun need the sense of my trust being abused to be reinforced. this is adamization
:P

passion rules the game. this is adamization~

2006-06-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

slpless in the eve of e selection day again.
neva learned how 2 get rid of this... jus like how i neva learned in some other things too.
thr r times tat i cant afford the kid in me, jus that i dun realize it.
isnt much that i can do now. come wat may.
fear no pain.
cheerio

2006-06-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

When depression hits u, it jus comes. No sign, no warning, no knock knock. U jus feel it. N ur in it.

D day wasn’t really bad. Had a stupidly-nice day w my old frens singing. A jog at dusk but still its not enough positive energy.

However, there r things that r really worth celebratin 2day. Kathy is done w her wedding and honeymoon. Hope she’ll b blessed w only happiness here after since she has had a pretty dramatically bumpy love life :P hope daz a gr8 beginning.

Suddenly I miss all my frens :P hav already met some, more to go till m not free again. Not many days left 2 burn I hope (for some obvious reasons). But Greedy adam wants 2 meet all his frens b4 he is bz again nonetheless. Daz the mission till end of next week.

Stay cool for Sunday adam. U can do it. Be a man, do the rite thing

2006-06-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

Had a very hearty dinner and a mv with 2 of my very old frens (not as in their respective age tho). We had thai food. Itz nice by itself, but it really was complemented by the presence of my frens. Frens who hav been there since I was really little. Wat we talked or did 2day barely matter to any of us, but its warm. Guess itz whom I talk 2, not wat about(that matters). Some times itz the seemingly most irrelevant said things, or response that inspire me, or anchor my determination in something, but guess they would not know :P.But I’m glad 2 noe that they r living a good life, and things r at least ok in all respects :P
Still recuperating from the exhaustion, but itz getting bttr. Still need sometime2 blog about my php trip cuz it mite b quite lengthy+ I dunno how 2 start at the moment.
Looking forward 2 2 things-> austral, and …
Looking for more old frens in these coming few days.

2006-04-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

well really havn't been updating recently despite of not being crazily buzy. Practical ,one, bad connection, two. Cant really upload anything even when i tried at times. Bravo to the monopoly of broadband provider, I'm sure it's description in wikipedia.org is telling something.

nothing much really, a few good movies to brighten up my days(the inside man, lucky number slevin, V , north country), 2 days in the scool's debate, and jus took a pill after lunch. At my workplace now (yea m havin my practical training, pretty sick, pretty depressive). Stacking boxes, and sortting documents and records is wat i do these days. yea apart from a pretty cool visitation to the maintenance hangar about a week ago.

well think the drug starts takin over me now. May Mr Scottfield rest in peace(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4929036.stm). cheerios

2006-04-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

FYP 1 submission date. :P my supervisor told me that itz ok 2 submit later. luckily i din listen 2 him regardless how nice a person he is.
came across a notice tat reads " whoever fails 2 submit on the submissioon day is not allowed 2 present it, and is considered failing the course ". lucky me
2mr is my interview day, D-Day or else i cant grad in the end of the year
wish me luck man :P
cheerios

2006-03-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

i din intend that. i dun want that 2 be like this.
i would not hav done the same. n i thot i hav that set aside.
i saw something, that triggered some long gone feelings n now itz haunting my spirit for finals. i wished i was more a man . i hope i hav grown n m more prepared for 2mr or the next stage . i hope i can study for finals. i hope i can slp. i hope...

2006-03-23T10:56:00.000-08:00

A religion UN

Yona Metzger, the Israelist Chief Rabbi called for " a UN with representatives of religious groups"in the International Congress of Imams and Rabbis for Peace in Seville, Spain yesterday. The conference displayed promising prospects of the feasibility of such plan carried out as the Imams and Rabbis leaders were prepared for constructive criticism from each other. They all agreed that "politicians lied but religious leaders have a different objective- to work towards a higher good " (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4800194.stm). That was reflected in the conference's language which was decribed as "usually brutally direct" and not "polite and diplomatic ", unlike the cunning politicians (with their tails hiding while they lie with a wide graceful smile on the face lol). The good thing is, they all strongly opposed the notion of any killing in the name of religions.

Well, the intention sure is noble. Any shout out to end killing in the world is always needed. However, there are a few hurdles to world peace through religious re-empowerment movements.

I dun mean to sound sacrelegious or blasphemous, but the Religion UN(referred as RUN here onwards, not official as well, simply for my convenience writing here) will have to always maintain the good will of the leaders/representatives. I concurr that all mainstream(or probably non mainstream) religions propagate good. However, not all religious leaders are saints. Bear in mind that many terrorist-attacks are initiated by religious leaders when it's hardly the last resort at times, aside from all those reasons why secularism was born. Assuming that those who project massive threats to innocents are not real religious leaders, will it really be different from politicians when leaders around the world, each representing their own ppl, come together 2 discuss global issues. Will they not have to listen to the ppl when it's opposing their gut feelings and conscience as a leader? Is a leader still a leader when his follower dump him for some unpopular, but not neccessarily evil notion? Politic is inevitable when ppl r to work on something together. Noble systems always fall not because of the nature of the system, but the nature of human.Clearly some sort of mechanism or definition is needed as to how much ppl's sentiment is considered.

This is not to say that the proposal would neccessarily be a farce. Logically, respected religious leaders would be more considerate than self-interests based politicians. The general assumptions are that religious leaders are less self centered and hence more inclined to speak for the real interest of the ppl. But again, only time can give the answer againt power corrosion.Another problem is how to qualify a religious leader. Would the RUN welcome the religious leaders of a Voo doo master? What's is its attitudes towards minor sects within a particular religion? What about Jedi master? What about the founder of Fa Lun Gong?Who defines a religion? What about the proportion of representation's distribution in RUN? For instance, how many seats for a particular sect in a particular religion? Are the leaders transboundary (geographically)? How are they going to determine who represents who then? All these complications will prevail when one RUN were to be founded.

And we have to think about the dynamic change it brings to domestic and global political sphere too. With the religions of the world coming together, will it be able to accumulate sheer support from the ppl each religion carries to interfere in state's policies? Will it be able to dictate that homosexuality is a crime? Will it force the gov to halt any public or private research of cloning or GM food? Will it silent the gov's campaign of safe sex using condoms? Will it then lead to A non religious UN? a secular UN? Is that not gonna further divide the already divided world? Clearly, a very carefully defined RUN is needed.

While itz worrisome that the RUN is overly powerful, its limits are shown in certain environments. For eg, a country which is dictated and firmly controlled by a military regime. What the religious leaders think mite not make any changes there. Neither will the ppl's voices, after religious leaders' preachery, will really make any changes, unless they revolt. Similarly, those religious leaders in exile, will not likely to restall their sovereignty(for eg Dalai Lama) through RUN. Well it's pretty crazy to think a bout a clash between RUN and UN's big 5 and is victorious against big 5. It's equally scary to think about an extreme conflict between those two cuz both hav nukes :P

Despite all those negative pop ups i had in mind, i personally hope that it will flourish into a peaceful resolution powerhouse pertaining religious issues. All religious conflicts can then be referred to RUN instead of exchanging bombs. But, the pretext is that it needs untouchable religious credibility, so that a peaceful standard/ measure can be applied world wide, and so that ppl wont resort to some other channels.

well cross ur fingers for me pals, final's nearing, so is fyp submission and presentation, and the EIT deadline 2. really feel mentally tormented

c ye when itz all over

good luck 2 all my frens having finals out there

2006-03-15T02:35:00.000-08:00

the spacecraft class ended earlier than it should. 2day's a pretty free day despite of still having all sort of to-dos washing my mind. yup 2nite i'll hav to load my mind before i talk 2 my supervisor again 2mr. not forgetting i'll hav a quiz for flight mech 2. hmmm itz gonna b interesting 2 think how 2 maximize the remaining time till 2mr. :P

with final nearing, 2day is however not a day of alacrity as usual :P feel pretty lifeless for no reason. n yet i hav to constantly worry about my internship placement which is pretty crucial to me for a few reasons. on-time graduation is one.

o n guess wat i jus checked bbc and thaksin's hinting on probable political break(lol wat does this mean anyway? it doesnt sound like a discharge nor a resignation. for more info , pls check http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4807758.stm). if he did resign, it means 'lazy politic' wins again. instead of tryin 2 educate/convince the rural thais (that forms thaksin's 'unshakable ' support base) that he's corrupt (if they really think that he is) , the oppositions chose an easy way to bring that on the streets (so did the ppl). i hav talked about how it cultivates a political practice which paves a detour from the on-going democratic establishment in that country. hope that its a rite choice.

n btw sony's delayin itz ps3 launch. take it easy guys :P.

2006-03-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

double edged swords of support groups in modern world

i'm basically bloggin in my aerospace lab now, thanks to my groupmates of taking care of other parts of the lab problems (takin a break now as i just finished my part, of cuz i will help later :P). people hav been workin in groups before history since we realized the synergy of workin together. hence, to help curing or extinguishing certain addictions or illness, we hav support groups to support each other, so that we r motivated when we r weak.

thatz y we have support groups in rehab centers, in sex addicts therapy n etc

however, the innovative us will always seek for wider applications in wateva progress we have. in japan, the biggest suicide pact was reported yesterday that all the members, who initially were afraid to die supported each other, encouraged one another when they were scared. with the aid of internet, strangers, who suddenly were intimate cuz they found something in common (wanna die) and developed a workin group to achieve certain objectives.
watz more worryin is that itz become a trend in that country as reflected by a sharp rise of suicide pact since last year (in 2005, 91 ppl died, while in 2004 55 died from suicide pacts)

thatz the beauty of a world with free flow of information. u can slash ur enemies throat w all the technological advance we hav. but sometimes, the enemy is ourselves sometimes. (n itz more tended to be in our modern lives)

frens do me a favor. if i ever tell u that i wanna die, do not give me a knife. :P
i love my life
cheerios

1st draft on 10.3.06 ,1520

2006-03-08T00:17:00.000-08:00

the magical power of a ray of light

i hav gotten back my aircraft design yesterday. did pretty well despite of all those hard times 2 even study for it. in the end of the day i jus gotta study for a few hours for it. well i really din even hope for anything for that paper and i thot i was doomed. jus as i thought that itz gonna ease up my mounted pressure a bit, i found that i was really wrong. i was sucked deeply into an undescribable warped world of helplessness when i wanted 2 do more for my final year project. hopeless was the only answer after i had desperation for some time. i was so tensed (that i felt like pullin my hair[regardless of wat purpose it served]) until i decided to be a man n do the right thing 2 talk 2 my supervisor. of cuz i was scolded. but then i was so much relieved after discovering that i dun have to dig so deep a shithole for my final year project. well to be really honest i could c a ray of light showering me (w some gothic music and flying pigeons as the background) when i was about 2 lose all hope and leave myself (& my FYP) to b swallowed into the darkness. :P

On the other hand, Mr Annan announced his outlines for a radical UN makeover yesterday. it encompasses a change on UN managerial practices to address the problems of mismanagement and the whole oil for food programme scandal. Among his proposals, there r calls to outsource certain UN functions for eg the current translation engine in New York city which is now unaffordably expensive.

besides that, a special unit of peacekeeping force will be established under the command and maneuver of the secretary general. and that's supposed to attend some urgent missions. well given that itz probably one of the toughest jobs on earth, he's not really doin that badly. despite of a pretty vocal urge for him 2 step down last year over UN's inability to react in opposition's of the big 5 in certain issues, he remains in his position, not without a reason. war on iraq, us's unilateralism, inability to express condemnation on Israel's walls with the amplification of the UN, all the results of UN's inherent frailties of inevitable reliance on those countries militarily and financially, were suddenly his fault as the SG.

wat the world has forgotten is wat he's done right while swarming us with charges against him on wat he;s done wrong. the world has 4got the big5 pressure that he has to deal with (as the main contributors financially and militarily) wheneva he wants to forward a peace loving people caring resolution. (for more on his contribution , we can refer to http://www.kituochakatiba.co.ug/annan.htm). well m not gonna keep on trumpeting his contribution here, not that i'm really a hardcore fan of him.

the point here is the proposals that he announced were not really addressing to the problems that many member states define. it doesnt discuss about any change in the security council nor any active measures in limiting the "menace of veto power". (quite frankly, after the cold war only a handful of vetoes r used, not to say that its justified tho). however, wat it offers is a more probable hand to countries that hav no interests to offer to the big5 to step in. in contrast for some ppl who drum for a drastic total remake of the security council(m not really gonna talk about that as a means to gain publicity n more support here), these small lil changes r probably more comforting. not only that itz more probable (well cuz itz not really a credible SC if u dun hav those big 5 2 stay, therefore u need 2 offer some carrots in exchange for their 'favor'), it solves the problems subtly to certain extent 2. the main current of the extreme make over propagators is that military involvement is highly dictated by the big5, regardless of itz necessity, severity and urgency. now that there's a special unit under the SG's command, there's a bridge to introduce other non SC members to decide on certain military issues, if not to the SG himself. of cuz there r concerns of the backlash like abuse of more power given to the SG. but its between the options of the SC and someone else. given that popular vote is not even close to the slightest probability so far, jus as the proposed make over plan, probably we can only try to give our good faith in it. besides, by having a troop under him, he cant possibly maneuver it to attack a country in which its leader shows him his middle finger rite? without dismantling the UN, this kinda indirect effort to fragment the concentration of power cant really b a really drastic one. at least not really those proposed so far. a ray of light mite not be strong enough to a lot of ppl, but at the same time it represents that darkness is gonna end soon. lol i hope its at least applicable 2 my own case.

jus like the attack in iraq. it has aroused the awakening of HR practice in its neighbours. women in Iran were rallying for equality yesterday. to think about this is worse than absurd not to long ago, but it happened yesterday. n we hav had more women representation at the parliamentary level in a handful of the arab countries after Iraq. i'm pretty sure this wasnt a part of US plan(despite how much they r tryin to snatch it). the point is when ppl see a glimpse of hope, they fight for their betterment. a hope of change in any case is not a bad one.

sometimes slight change can b 2 lil a progress and a lightyear far from the idealistic pic, but a lot of changes need to evolve slowly. drastic changes arent necessary all the times (most of the times itz jus a sensational gesture to draw ur attention to further some parties' self interests). this is especially true in the grand project in elimination of racial/ ethinic conflicts, or discrimination. this is becuz systemic changes alone don change ppl's perception, but a change of ppl's perception will always result in a fairer/ more representative systemic change. we have to bear in mind that we dont wanna destruct the the existing framework, we jus wanna improve that. those who always push for droppin UN neva said anything like who will do the job if not UN. similarly, those who wanna smash the veto neva said anything about who will execute peace orders if not them or who will bear the operational cost of sustainin UN. the only answer they hav is that itz unjustifiable, its unfair, its hegemonic. how about a more realistic try? they neva hav any founded / concrete ideas as wat they will really do that ensures the existence of the UN or similar body if the domimant parties retract from the frontline.

even if we wanted to get rid of their dictation, there r some prerequisites. one of them is that the other member states have to be militarily and economically strong enough to take over big5's jobs. but are we ready? for them, they jus wanna do it. probably they jus wanna feel great talkin 2 a gr8 compassionate audience and to lead high-spirited street protests. of cuz those r only my personal assessment. but the fact is, they dun provide a sound alternative which i think is pretty irresponsible. cuz even tho UN is not perfect, it's done pretty much to help. unless a bttr alternative is offered, we should keep it.

a ray of light in the darkness mite not be enough to make everything shiny, but the hope associated with that is really of tremendous thrust to fight for a bttr course. as for me, getting rid of the hopelessness for my project has definitely pulled me back in d positive track.

life is still beautiful to me

2006-03-04T00:23:00.000-08:00

i'm not alone w my problems

watched final destination3 w kari 2day. not bad, reminds me of happy tree friends featuring real ppl. not that it bothers me, i gotta catch some breath in the end of the day anyway. but if i were 2 choose again, i would hav gotten the tickets for syriana.

i got back home, jeesh i realized the weather out there was no jokingly sizzling hot. i took a shower n was ready to get (back to/ raped by) my work but yea i couldnt really focus. sigh i really need 2 keep it rolling. m tired of being attacked by deadlines everyday (n some other prob2). well i really feel more depressed talkin bout my work so i'll drop that.

i then talked 2 my fren in the philipines, n apparently itz nothing like i thot. i would expect the military in town, while the people crouching quietly ready for the next demonstration of ppl power tat took down marcos and estrada. but nay, my fren sed everything is jus normal. no military no upset crowds on the streets. well it's not necessarily a bad thing after all. ever since the success of toppling marcos the corrupter, a culture of sacking elected leaders by force was born. ppl do believe in votes to elect a president but not in the case of changing one n hence the cyclical unrests wheneva a leader's deemed as a failure. thatz an obvious no-faith display in peaceful democratic resolution. it does nothing but hurting the country. leaving domestic peace alone, foreign investors will have to carefully think twice to really establish any kinf of corporal engagement there esp when the gov had been unable to handle these situations in the past. so if the reason that fuels the anguished crowd is poverty, this is the reason y more jobs cant b offered to the ppl (on top of business opportunity). if the leader is corrupted, there are ways to change it, there's no harm to do it peacefully and democratically, esp when the next election's is not scheduled at the end of the century.

ms arroyo's not alone in this region. this time mr thaksin is the man. after selling his telcom n media corp, he proposed a general election dated 2/4. dat should be safe, but alas, it would be one without the oppositions should it go on. three opposition parties refrained from the possible election. the PAD even threatens to escalate its rally to a violent one should Mr thaksin not resign by 5/3. y? isn't an election jus rite? it represents ppl will. daz the prob isnt it? despite of hikin anti thaksin movements in the cities, he has got continued support from the rural thais. well since some parties cant assure their victory, ppl's sentiment is flashed as (trump) cards again.thatz the game of the big guys isnt it? we, the people are always on their chess board. this time by both the gov and the opp. Mr PM, in return strikes back w his own supporters' rally to answer to the opp's rough challenge. if anything goes wrong, blood is really probable. thats even when the gr8 mr chamlong (hope i got it rite) voices his neutral stance in this issue.

again, there r some roots in the faith of unpeaceful resolution. there were 2 successful stories from a history of violence too. it brought down the government in 73 and 92, well dat probably explains a lil bout the political culture and the half hearted faith in actualizing a democracy- the ppl, the gov and the opp. unrests r not exclusive in these 2 countries. in malaysia, ppl need the gov to comfort'em following by the anger after a rise of 30 cents/liter in oil price (in the middle of growing fear from bird's flu). itz gr8 that it hasnt resulted in any visible unrest movements in this country.

in iraq, ppl r threatened by bombers.

jus as i hav said, every1 has some problems. daz a given, wat matters most is how we deal with'em. i personally think that violent resolutions and ppl's belief in it will not yield anything positive without dear cost(assuming that it does bring some good results).even if it does, it permits future violence. who will suffer? its the ppl. those politicians / business barons who fuel violent rejection of the gov don go up front. its the ppl. as ordinary ppl, wat we should realize is how to make a democratic gov works for us, not to learn how 2 work for certain gr8 ppl. we hav paid enough blood throughout history to glorify certain parties. no more blood should be shed 2 make;em richer/ more powerful.

m not a beauty pageant, but i do hope that peace prevails.

(*also posted on my hi5 and multiply )