Finally Finally

Finally hav gotten kari to come clear up my pc.
Its been a pain in the ass in so many ways.
Like cant browse any pages at all, can’t log on to anything etc
In which all cases happened randomly but the randomness was consistent for quite a period of time. It’s ‘virused’

I had been quite similar for some time.
But (m) finally anchored now.
I’m still glad that I took some time 2 wait till I could finally think straight to think through it. And attend to issues one by one. I wanna do wats right eventho it mite be slow. (n its not like I could rush for it anyway)
Says a very wise fren, ppl x think straight in delicate situations
And I think it’s essential to move on. Or it will be a landmine left to be triggered if I skipped this stage 2 wait for/gain the realization.

But yes, I think it does seem so, babe.
If thr’s an end after the end. This is it.
(Sorry if it contradicts wat I said. Really I could not be more serious)
It’s becuz watz hurt is more than feeling.
And I think I noe watz unintentional and watz not.
I think I do.
That only happened bcuz I let it to.
Those were the daggers I gave.
Those were the bulls’ eyes I let u see.
There was only one reason. There was blindness. (but its only me)
That entailed a higher degree of tolerance/acceptance. Sincerely it did.
N I could not be more humble in my plight.
Now my brain finally starts takin charge, it’s more a function of rationality.
It’s my independence.
I want it 2 be clean.
Cuz it is.


* Probably I mite be a disastrous episode at the other side of the story. I sincerely apologize if I was. Neva meant any harm at any time. Even though I can’t say that I responded well in all circumstances. But that’s the best I tried. I’m sorry if that’s the case.
But with this I’ll box it all up. Then I’ll proceed.


On another note, I found thr’s only 3 digitized writing that I did years ago in Chinese when I used 2 write all the time. Literally. This is one of it. Written about 5-6 years ago at a pretty gay time. (ard 4-5 am). So strange that every detail surrounding me when I wrote it is still so clear, including the emotional content. Felt like laughin when I read it. But thr’s nothing really laughable. And I was really young lol~~~


第一章 夜

因為快樂， 所以悲傷；
因為悲傷，所以快樂。

雖然這時候，頭腦不太清醒，也不太清楚何謂因悲傷而快樂，因快樂而悲傷；不過腦神經的確那樣告訴我：他就是這樣的一個人。

凌晨4.30am，再怎麼樣精神錯亂的人也不會在這個時侯瞪著鏡子；儘管的想像一些悲泣動人的畫面，自編自導自演。廁所的鏡子清晰地出現一張自戀的臉，有點蒼白，有點悲哀。顯然令那照著鏡子那白癡沉醉的，是一雙細小但會在陰暗處炯炯發亮的那一雙眼，因為他盯著它不放。它象一頭狼幽幽地看著蒼白的月亮孤獨的悲號一樣。似乎在裡邊的，有少許就是真實的。而虛幻的畫面，是那些真實可逃之處。
所以快樂的他需要躲進一個悲傷的虛幻里；
而快樂的虛幻需要擁抱一個真實的悲傷。似乎真的需要那樣才可以平衡。

現在的他快樂或悲傷？
現在的他快樂和悲傷。

他所能做的大概只有坐在桌前發愣吧？
風扇似乎也開始哭泣了，當他扭開了風扇以後。

有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了生命，因而詭異。
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了哭泣，因而謐靜
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了光亮，因而黑暗。

他只寫了這几行，就停住了。從他胸間此時逃出了一口氣。隨後他泡了杯咖啡啜了一口，然后左手用力的捶了桌面一下。他的眉頭是微慼的。可能他不太喜歡咖啡吧？

他向來只喜歡喝茶，而且平常還滿祥和的。今天他顯得略為煩躁。說來他已經持續一個禮拜失眠了。

桌面上，除了有杯暖的咖啡以外，就是一疊雜亂無章的紙張。這些日子，他總會在夜闌人靜后，就有的沒的寫。那一疊亂紙旁擺著他的手機。他偶爾會對著那灰色的手機按按看看，然後嘴角一翹，仿彿看到的是天使用手機傳送給他的靈感一樣。那麼，他便感覺到生命，象天使一樣。

有時候他還會熄上房燈並且讓手機亮著，然後在床上睜睜的看著手機在黑暗里光亮的藍燈，似乎是一頭孤傲的野狼的不安的焦慮的害怕的凶狠的眼在注視他一樣。那光對他而言，就好像惡魔賜給他的靈感。那麼，他便感覺到生命，象魔鬼一樣。

他是一個很怪很怪的人。除了看他手機里的短訊的時候，他是木無表情的，儼然帶著一副逼真的面具，除了那一雙眼。

他三個月前，還把一張照片收在左手旁的第一個抽屜里，然後就不曾抽開過那一個抽屜，使人覺得他是在那一夜把那一幀照片給埋葬了。

不過，今晚很特別。

他取出了那一幀照片，然後注視它，良久。

然後他的呼吸開始急促。

然後，他在桌面留下了兩點眼淚。


放開      緊捉住      盲目的風箏

那是攤在紙上的最後一行字。

眼淚，就是輕輕的滴在“放開” 和 “盲目”的中央。

那一夜，他便睡在一個輕飄飄的細細的雨夜裡。

安詳的。





But it shows something.
Talent is a mysterious thing.
At times cruel. :P
In a very comedic manner.

But this waterdog still means real business when he jumps into something. Despite of some sayings (from some expert konon) that a waterdog is overly shy. :P Especially that he walks out alive now yaha~


p/s cant tell how great I feel solid and anchored again.

Excerpted from my chat w sakai heay :P
can u not tell.
finally finally i walked out.
finally finally i feel stable.
finally finally i feel anchored.
finally finally i feel solid.
finally finally i got myselves back into 1 again.
finally finally m peacefully unaffected by my past
(tho still need 2 carry some phantomlike weight n scars)
I feel good.

It's also interesting that for some reasons it's turned out 2 be wat i want now.
how? no idea.

Cheerio. Hakuna Matata.