Actually doing it

I guess the level of intelligence of a person is quite apparent when he gets himself sicker soaking in his wet shirt after sports under the fan on a raining day for a couple of hours, especially more so when the purpose of the physical training is in order to unblock his respiratory passage.

However, this funny dude would have done the same if given another chance. He would have still gone to pay his aunt a visit. It’s something beyond spending some time with his nephew Daniel, and his niece, Shasha. There’s talk about dinasours, listening to different Barbie characters, encyclopedia, animals and some lil clowning :P etc. (Don’t mind the sudden change from a 3rd party narration :P)I have gotta give it to them man. They really know so much more than when I was at their age. N I think Shasha told me something was spooky (no it wasn’t me). Damn, I dun think I knew wat a spoon was in English at her age :P

Anyway, I had dinner there. It’s pretty a hearty one. There’s a lot of nostalgia around the house. I can safely say that I spent most of my early years thr. My aunt’s cooking to me is like mama cooking to most ppl. I really felt touched when I started to mouth the food. Then thr’s this surge of thoughts again that I should be able to repay her grace upon me at my age had I not derailed. I hope she’s gonna be around for sometime till I’m able to at least reciprocate. I still have very vivid memory of her taking me to the clinic with me clinging on her back (while she walked through the sun and rain), or sometimes w her bicycle; going to the wet market after some 30 minutes walk on Sunday; and uncountable occasion of me sick n puking n she taking care of me along w my cousins; or bathing me till I was like 5-6 years old; beating me n threatened that she’s gonna chase me outta the house(and I actually took my clothes n walked out at the age of 5 :P ); going to the neighbor’s house and showed me to the ah-sohs around; bringing me to her workplace, again on the bicycle (at my early age, sometimes some place I could not identify but she was washing clothes-she’s a widow living through turbulent times raising 3 kids alone, and all three turned out really proper); secretly stuffing money into my hand throughout my adolescence (n still does it sometimes like during my bday, actually that kinda hurts wateva it does tho I feel real blessed at the same time); buyin me lotsa shirts back then when she worked in the factory, and the list would go on as it is intricate, leaving its traces all ard my memory however it takes its form.

I have been an ignorant recipient all this while. Apart from stuff that I bought her from places that I traveled to; and some oilment I bought from pasar malam that I hav yet to hand to her to date, I can’t really recall what I hav really done as a token of appreciation. Of cuz, one way to repay her is to be proper and make her proud, but then, thr’s much more that I could hav done and can do but did/do not.

Thr’s some trade off if ur like the black hole in which lotsa attention and care are poured into u by many many great ppl around, it also proportionally strengthens the fact/feeling of indebtedness to these ppl. It kinda ticks u off a bit when ur not really thr yet to reciprocate that even at the most basic levels.

But that apart, i’m also pretty content with the going of my current life. Contrasting to the previous post where I talked about the difference of knowing and doing, I’m now actually doing a lot of things. And it’s beyond physically partaking in some physical work, as in doing things literally. I like my new vibe of absolute zen. Well not exactly new, but I have come 2 realize that my core is really back, and probably strengthened in some way or another. It makes me feel steady that with this feeling of being anchored I can take on more. If there is any expansionary or additional undertaking, I would be much more content to do it w my current Zen vibe :P I also come 2 realize that I can look at brighter sides of the slow going and the bumps I hit here and thr and hence sincerely enjoyin those luxuries now while I still chance them, for instance spending more time w my sis and at home, more time for myself, do a bit more reflection, and etc. I guess when life’s a bit slow, thr’s no harm tryin to maximize its utility and value and accept that wholeheartedly. It’s only a stage of being. Life’s clearer and simpler if u see through the forms and look at it at the essence, then u tend to realize the things that r of utmost importance are often things that many find intangible and immaterial. If zen comes from within, external factors cant easily mess it up despite the seemingly pressing circumstances, not to say reaching and messing ur core. Btw, I find it pretty odd to read watz claimed to be wat I said on my fren’s (sakai heay’s) wall. Lol I can’t recall saying something like that :P I think I c lotsa future in me becoming a priest or a monk.

And finally, I do not noe how else 2 do it. Neither do I noe how many times do I have to repeat this: I x hate u, thr’s nothing 2 be sorry about. So I would be relieved and glad if u also can set u free from a sense of guilt. Then it will add more ‘positivity’ into my zen-ness :P I din manage to tell u tat I was glad 2 c u here. It makes me realize that the growing peace in me is not artificial, and not some illusionary bubbles that I was deceiving myself with. And again thr’s not a moment that I hated u whenever I was w u in the tourney. Thr’s only peace. Unspeakable peace- one that even surprised me. Like thr was no humanly emotional content in it. So I guess it’s a pretty good sign that I really m alrite. So neither do u need 2 worry bout me nor should u keep entrapping urself in some lump.

Now that my being is founded, a peaceful soul empowered is seeking for the higher value named la passione~ lol. Thr r some interesting proposals, let’s c how many will materialize from bubbly words and flying ideas :P

It’s no longer plain knowing, but I am doing that. Exactly wat I envisioned.
Slowly but surely.
I am peace.
This is ho, adam ho lol

Cheerio.

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