WORDS
are the flakiest lovers, like stamina,
among many other things.
Written when ultra tired.
cheerio.
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Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Actually doing it
I guess the level of intelligence of a person is quite apparent when he gets himself sicker soaking in his wet shirt after sports under the fan on a raining day for a couple of hours, especially more so when the purpose of the physical training is in order to unblock his respiratory passage.
However, this funny dude would have done the same if given another chance. He would have still gone to pay his aunt a visit. It’s something beyond spending some time with his nephew Daniel, and his niece, Shasha. There’s talk about dinasours, listening to different Barbie characters, encyclopedia, animals and some lil clowning :P etc. (Don’t mind the sudden change from a 3rd party narration :P)I have gotta give it to them man. They really know so much more than when I was at their age. N I think Shasha told me something was spooky (no it wasn’t me). Damn, I dun think I knew wat a spoon was in English at her age :P
Anyway, I had dinner there. It’s pretty a hearty one. There’s a lot of nostalgia around the house. I can safely say that I spent most of my early years thr. My aunt’s cooking to me is like mama cooking to most ppl. I really felt touched when I started to mouth the food. Then thr’s this surge of thoughts again that I should be able to repay her grace upon me at my age had I not derailed. I hope she’s gonna be around for sometime till I’m able to at least reciprocate. I still have very vivid memory of her taking me to the clinic with me clinging on her back (while she walked through the sun and rain), or sometimes w her bicycle; going to the wet market after some 30 minutes walk on Sunday; and uncountable occasion of me sick n puking n she taking care of me along w my cousins; or bathing me till I was like 5-6 years old; beating me n threatened that she’s gonna chase me outta the house(and I actually took my clothes n walked out at the age of 5 :P ); going to the neighbor’s house and showed me to the ah-sohs around; bringing me to her workplace, again on the bicycle (at my early age, sometimes some place I could not identify but she was washing clothes-she’s a widow living through turbulent times raising 3 kids alone, and all three turned out really proper); secretly stuffing money into my hand throughout my adolescence (n still does it sometimes like during my bday, actually that kinda hurts wateva it does tho I feel real blessed at the same time); buyin me lotsa shirts back then when she worked in the factory, and the list would go on as it is intricate, leaving its traces all ard my memory however it takes its form.
I have been an ignorant recipient all this while. Apart from stuff that I bought her from places that I traveled to; and some oilment I bought from pasar malam that I hav yet to hand to her to date, I can’t really recall what I hav really done as a token of appreciation. Of cuz, one way to repay her is to be proper and make her proud, but then, thr’s much more that I could hav done and can do but did/do not.
Thr’s some trade off if ur like the black hole in which lotsa attention and care are poured into u by many many great ppl around, it also proportionally strengthens the fact/feeling of indebtedness to these ppl. It kinda ticks u off a bit when ur not really thr yet to reciprocate that even at the most basic levels.
But that apart, i’m also pretty content with the going of my current life. Contrasting to the previous post where I talked about the difference of knowing and doing, I’m now actually doing a lot of things. And it’s beyond physically partaking in some physical work, as in doing things literally. I like my new vibe of absolute zen. Well not exactly new, but I have come 2 realize that my core is really back, and probably strengthened in some way or another. It makes me feel steady that with this feeling of being anchored I can take on more. If there is any expansionary or additional undertaking, I would be much more content to do it w my current Zen vibe :P I also come 2 realize that I can look at brighter sides of the slow going and the bumps I hit here and thr and hence sincerely enjoyin those luxuries now while I still chance them, for instance spending more time w my sis and at home, more time for myself, do a bit more reflection, and etc. I guess when life’s a bit slow, thr’s no harm tryin to maximize its utility and value and accept that wholeheartedly. It’s only a stage of being. Life’s clearer and simpler if u see through the forms and look at it at the essence, then u tend to realize the things that r of utmost importance are often things that many find intangible and immaterial. If zen comes from within, external factors cant easily mess it up despite the seemingly pressing circumstances, not to say reaching and messing ur core. Btw, I find it pretty odd to read watz claimed to be wat I said on my fren’s (sakai heay’s) wall. Lol I can’t recall saying something like that :P I think I c lotsa future in me becoming a priest or a monk.
And finally, I do not noe how else 2 do it. Neither do I noe how many times do I have to repeat this: I x hate u, thr’s nothing 2 be sorry about. So I would be relieved and glad if u also can set u free from a sense of guilt. Then it will add more ‘positivity’ into my zen-ness :P I din manage to tell u tat I was glad 2 c u here. It makes me realize that the growing peace in me is not artificial, and not some illusionary bubbles that I was deceiving myself with. And again thr’s not a moment that I hated u whenever I was w u in the tourney. Thr’s only peace. Unspeakable peace- one that even surprised me. Like thr was no humanly emotional content in it. So I guess it’s a pretty good sign that I really m alrite. So neither do u need 2 worry bout me nor should u keep entrapping urself in some lump.
Now that my being is founded, a peaceful soul empowered is seeking for the higher value named la passione~ lol. Thr r some interesting proposals, let’s c how many will materialize from bubbly words and flying ideas :P
It’s no longer plain knowing, but I am doing that. Exactly wat I envisioned.
Slowly but surely.
I am peace.
This is ho, adam ho lol
Cheerio.
260508
I guess the level of intelligence of a person is quite apparent when he gets himself sicker soaking in his wet shirt after sports under the fan on a raining day for a couple of hours, especially more so when the purpose of the physical training is in order to unblock his respiratory passage.
However, this funny dude would have done the same if given another chance. He would have still gone to pay his aunt a visit. It’s something beyond spending some time with his nephew Daniel, and his niece, Shasha. There’s talk about dinasours, listening to different Barbie characters, encyclopedia, animals and some lil clowning :P etc. (Don’t mind the sudden change from a 3rd party narration :P)I have gotta give it to them man. They really know so much more than when I was at their age. N I think Shasha told me something was spooky (no it wasn’t me). Damn, I dun think I knew wat a spoon was in English at her age :P
Anyway, I had dinner there. It’s pretty a hearty one. There’s a lot of nostalgia around the house. I can safely say that I spent most of my early years thr. My aunt’s cooking to me is like mama cooking to most ppl. I really felt touched when I started to mouth the food. Then thr’s this surge of thoughts again that I should be able to repay her grace upon me at my age had I not derailed. I hope she’s gonna be around for sometime till I’m able to at least reciprocate. I still have very vivid memory of her taking me to the clinic with me clinging on her back (while she walked through the sun and rain), or sometimes w her bicycle; going to the wet market after some 30 minutes walk on Sunday; and uncountable occasion of me sick n puking n she taking care of me along w my cousins; or bathing me till I was like 5-6 years old; beating me n threatened that she’s gonna chase me outta the house(and I actually took my clothes n walked out at the age of 5 :P ); going to the neighbor’s house and showed me to the ah-sohs around; bringing me to her workplace, again on the bicycle (at my early age, sometimes some place I could not identify but she was washing clothes-she’s a widow living through turbulent times raising 3 kids alone, and all three turned out really proper); secretly stuffing money into my hand throughout my adolescence (n still does it sometimes like during my bday, actually that kinda hurts wateva it does tho I feel real blessed at the same time); buyin me lotsa shirts back then when she worked in the factory, and the list would go on as it is intricate, leaving its traces all ard my memory however it takes its form.
I have been an ignorant recipient all this while. Apart from stuff that I bought her from places that I traveled to; and some oilment I bought from pasar malam that I hav yet to hand to her to date, I can’t really recall what I hav really done as a token of appreciation. Of cuz, one way to repay her is to be proper and make her proud, but then, thr’s much more that I could hav done and can do but did/do not.
Thr’s some trade off if ur like the black hole in which lotsa attention and care are poured into u by many many great ppl around, it also proportionally strengthens the fact/feeling of indebtedness to these ppl. It kinda ticks u off a bit when ur not really thr yet to reciprocate that even at the most basic levels.
But that apart, i’m also pretty content with the going of my current life. Contrasting to the previous post where I talked about the difference of knowing and doing, I’m now actually doing a lot of things. And it’s beyond physically partaking in some physical work, as in doing things literally. I like my new vibe of absolute zen. Well not exactly new, but I have come 2 realize that my core is really back, and probably strengthened in some way or another. It makes me feel steady that with this feeling of being anchored I can take on more. If there is any expansionary or additional undertaking, I would be much more content to do it w my current Zen vibe :P I also come 2 realize that I can look at brighter sides of the slow going and the bumps I hit here and thr and hence sincerely enjoyin those luxuries now while I still chance them, for instance spending more time w my sis and at home, more time for myself, do a bit more reflection, and etc. I guess when life’s a bit slow, thr’s no harm tryin to maximize its utility and value and accept that wholeheartedly. It’s only a stage of being. Life’s clearer and simpler if u see through the forms and look at it at the essence, then u tend to realize the things that r of utmost importance are often things that many find intangible and immaterial. If zen comes from within, external factors cant easily mess it up despite the seemingly pressing circumstances, not to say reaching and messing ur core. Btw, I find it pretty odd to read watz claimed to be wat I said on my fren’s (sakai heay’s) wall. Lol I can’t recall saying something like that :P I think I c lotsa future in me becoming a priest or a monk.
And finally, I do not noe how else 2 do it. Neither do I noe how many times do I have to repeat this: I x hate u, thr’s nothing 2 be sorry about. So I would be relieved and glad if u also can set u free from a sense of guilt. Then it will add more ‘positivity’ into my zen-ness :P I din manage to tell u tat I was glad 2 c u here. It makes me realize that the growing peace in me is not artificial, and not some illusionary bubbles that I was deceiving myself with. And again thr’s not a moment that I hated u whenever I was w u in the tourney. Thr’s only peace. Unspeakable peace- one that even surprised me. Like thr was no humanly emotional content in it. So I guess it’s a pretty good sign that I really m alrite. So neither do u need 2 worry bout me nor should u keep entrapping urself in some lump.
Now that my being is founded, a peaceful soul empowered is seeking for the higher value named la passione~ lol. Thr r some interesting proposals, let’s c how many will materialize from bubbly words and flying ideas :P
It’s no longer plain knowing, but I am doing that. Exactly wat I envisioned.
Slowly but surely.
I am peace.
This is ho, adam ho lol
Cheerio.
260508
Saturday, May 03, 2008
No Zen for a locust
Turbulence engulfing my just departed Zen doesn't seem to get exhausted stirring the orderly peace-backed routine I managed to sustain for a couple of weeks before. Is the path of derail, caused by a more extreme encounter, an envelope of gust unsealed? M I to be stalled hopping? M I to cling still against it? If otherwise, m I landing safely? Either way asks of a sobering thought to respond to the seemingly not so sober divine plot drafted to prompt for a precursor to the next one.
How much does it take to endure which ever way it leads, with my severely exhausted tonicity (by my past seven thousand years)?
That’s why chow chow’s random but innocently honest remark is interesting. I’m taxed. Hence what she observed.
An Encounter is a game. I wished I could not beg to differ.
Btw it’s been a week of continuous farewell bidding gathering. Sincerely wishing u guys good luck, along with the confession of a sense of privilege to have encountered u guys. In this I’m certain to pride myself with indisputable luck.
Reminder:
Up the reading progress
Up the progress to be ready for joomla whoring
Get the freakin visa done
N rethink trainin/ feedback methodology
Keep wat sani says in mind. He’s rite. But that’s only after I passed.
N yea if thr’s time, gotta get a copy of no country for old men
Cheerio
Turbulence engulfing my just departed Zen doesn't seem to get exhausted stirring the orderly peace-backed routine I managed to sustain for a couple of weeks before. Is the path of derail, caused by a more extreme encounter, an envelope of gust unsealed? M I to be stalled hopping? M I to cling still against it? If otherwise, m I landing safely? Either way asks of a sobering thought to respond to the seemingly not so sober divine plot drafted to prompt for a precursor to the next one.
How much does it take to endure which ever way it leads, with my severely exhausted tonicity (by my past seven thousand years)?
That’s why chow chow’s random but innocently honest remark is interesting. I’m taxed. Hence what she observed.
An Encounter is a game. I wished I could not beg to differ.
Btw it’s been a week of continuous farewell bidding gathering. Sincerely wishing u guys good luck, along with the confession of a sense of privilege to have encountered u guys. In this I’m certain to pride myself with indisputable luck.
Reminder:
Up the reading progress
Up the progress to be ready for joomla whoring
Get the freakin visa done
N rethink trainin/ feedback methodology
Keep wat sani says in mind. He’s rite. But that’s only after I passed.
N yea if thr’s time, gotta get a copy of no country for old men
Cheerio
Friday, April 25, 2008
This day last year
-The eternal departure of a friend, a project manager, an environmentalist, a funny person, a bf who wrote to his gf by the river everyday, which was marked by another independent coincidence of a much lighter scale tragedy that took the form of a 1cm scar on a left fist.
Paying tribute to him. As I’m reminded of how I bled on this day-And whatever memory it triggered in which gratitude and sadness intertwined in the face of the struggle, or perhaps the independent fight with and against life. One remained. The other taken.
I hope the 1 remains remembers to honor that with a good reason.
Remember, remember
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250408
-The eternal departure of a friend, a project manager, an environmentalist, a funny person, a bf who wrote to his gf by the river everyday, which was marked by another independent coincidence of a much lighter scale tragedy that took the form of a 1cm scar on a left fist.
Paying tribute to him. As I’m reminded of how I bled on this day-And whatever memory it triggered in which gratitude and sadness intertwined in the face of the struggle, or perhaps the independent fight with and against life. One remained. The other taken.
I hope the 1 remains remembers to honor that with a good reason.
Remember, remember
Ad
250408
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Metamorphosis
I guess I can only say that life’s been an impatient teacher to make me wiser.
Have I benefited in any sense? No idea.
KH, its good advice but I’m not sure the net effect is really amalgamating more positive feelings with my self. But then I really appreciated that small lil chat I had with you.
It also made me realized I might have gone back to square one. Whether it’s a good thing or not, really is up to how I put it in perspective. If Life Is Beautiful can be beautiful, I believe nothing can’t be.
Something was hatching over the past few weeks, but I hav lost words of telling wat it is now. N I hav lost counts of how many times the motion changed. Something has changed I feel but it seems like nothing really has.
Was advised not 2 dissimulate my sentiments. But I have got no idea what they are.
If this is metamorphosis, I can’t wait to c watz thr for me when I transform.
I hope I can fly.
Higher and further.
For that I will bear me immobilized until I’m ready.
And its not easy.
But i'll break it one day.
Am I evil? Am I good?
I’m done asking questions.
I dun have the answer.
Does anyone?
-Dexter, Season 2, episode 11-
__________________________________________________________________________________
Was completely knackered after interscool. The damage i brought unto myself:
Slp. Meals. And the reality that i finally came to c.
Still somewhat taxed till now. But the past 2 days had been crazy. Thanx for those who were part of it. But then i seriously was a bit offended when none of u paid attention to hotel rwanda that i played. How can any1 not like that film? Just no way~
N yea gay, i was happy 2 c u too. Real glad that i could manage 2 spend sometime w u. Thanx for the movie tho honestly speaking i was ultra tired n m still pissed at the ruthless not-that-intelligent censorship practice. Probably that mite be the last occasion for u me and ustad to be together in a pix. Let's set a time 2 go to TanZ together one day, wat say u? Would love to c kilimanjaro myself.And the flamingos sea. would be cool would it not gay? :P
N choob i din noe u read me here. Dont forget 2 buzz me before u leave aye?
ultra tired again. not sure if something is wrong w me. hope not.
cheerio
ad
I guess I can only say that life’s been an impatient teacher to make me wiser.
Have I benefited in any sense? No idea.
KH, its good advice but I’m not sure the net effect is really amalgamating more positive feelings with my self. But then I really appreciated that small lil chat I had with you.
It also made me realized I might have gone back to square one. Whether it’s a good thing or not, really is up to how I put it in perspective. If Life Is Beautiful can be beautiful, I believe nothing can’t be.
Something was hatching over the past few weeks, but I hav lost words of telling wat it is now. N I hav lost counts of how many times the motion changed. Something has changed I feel but it seems like nothing really has.
Was advised not 2 dissimulate my sentiments. But I have got no idea what they are.
If this is metamorphosis, I can’t wait to c watz thr for me when I transform.
I hope I can fly.
Higher and further.
For that I will bear me immobilized until I’m ready.
And its not easy.
But i'll break it one day.
Am I evil? Am I good?
I’m done asking questions.
I dun have the answer.
Does anyone?
-Dexter, Season 2, episode 11-
__________________________________________________________________________________
Was completely knackered after interscool. The damage i brought unto myself:
Slp. Meals. And the reality that i finally came to c.
Still somewhat taxed till now. But the past 2 days had been crazy. Thanx for those who were part of it. But then i seriously was a bit offended when none of u paid attention to hotel rwanda that i played. How can any1 not like that film? Just no way~
N yea gay, i was happy 2 c u too. Real glad that i could manage 2 spend sometime w u. Thanx for the movie tho honestly speaking i was ultra tired n m still pissed at the ruthless not-that-intelligent censorship practice. Probably that mite be the last occasion for u me and ustad to be together in a pix. Let's set a time 2 go to TanZ together one day, wat say u? Would love to c kilimanjaro myself.And the flamingos sea. would be cool would it not gay? :P
N choob i din noe u read me here. Dont forget 2 buzz me before u leave aye?
ultra tired again. not sure if something is wrong w me. hope not.
cheerio
ad
Thursday, April 03, 2008
A day of quotes: Sometimes the truth speaks from a peaceful place
-Dexter Season 2, Episode 7-
These r quotes registered in my mind, quite a handful from Dexter when I watched it. Pretty cool.
Ah, my Beloved, fill the Cup that clears
TO-DAY of past Regrets and future Fears:
To-morrow! Why, To-morrow I may be
Myself with Yesterday's Sev'n thousand Years.
-Rubaiyat-
Introduced by kye. It still amazes me n I still lk these lines a lot.
From Dexter:
The pink cloud
It’s not the person.
It’s wat that person makes u feel about urself.
Dat is real.
Sometimes the truth speaks from a peaceful place
-Dexter Season 2, Episode 7
Maybe this is how evil works. Destroying everything it touches.
-Dexter Season2 , mayb episode 11
Then thr’s some reference to Mark Twain in the serie, n I kinda of liked it too:
U cant depend on ur eyes when ur imagination is out of focus
-Mark Twain, quoted in Dexter Season 2
N thr were some other that I conveniently copied, trying to load this entry w a lil bit more wisdom from the wise :P
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
I really do believe in that, even though sometimes actualizing it is not easy at all. Even though I do it clumsily.And at times i'm not sure if that is what i'm doing.
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
"Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Probably I know it too early that my ‘education’ interfered with my schooling. Sigh :P
Then there were some misc quotes on the page too, so I thot I mite as well…
"Deliberate with caution, but act with decision; and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness."
"The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself."
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
Then under the mixed effect of watching Dexter and reading quotes, which is like adding mentos n coke to my brain, I started to make my own quotes :P
It’s the fuck of the century which denies my basic instinct(s) to survive.
This is the bomb man. My trophy line somehow cuz Ezanee actually complimented me. According to his professional judgment, this is the coolest line I have ever said :P It did lift me up a bit man, cuz I crawled from a man whose English “is fucking bad” (Ezanee and Friends, Being Polite, 2004)
If u hav watched Basic Instinct, probably then u would understand and agree on y its cool. But then u probably would not.
Then thr’s this childish corky nerdy cheesy quote that popped onto my mind 2 break that level-upped awesome vibe I had.
Morning comes when u hav u removed from mourning
lol
Thr’s a ring belling in my head when my fren sed that siblings are one’s link to his/her past. For me I’m blessed w a few more. Gay frens (with no reference to sex and sexual preference) who I hav known for my whole life, and my writings n sketches. Lost one of my sketchbooks which was a record of expression for the past 4-5 years. Even brought it to Php, NZ and Sabah. N at the meantime I found that I only have 3 pieces of writing(wateva they are) in my computer. M pretty sure I had the original ‘manuscripts’ somewhere at home :P
It would really be great if I could find more. I nearly forgot how much I liked 2 write. N how much I liked the language. Now ppl are even at times surprised that I know Chinese despite it being my fav. But it doesn’t show now , sadly. It has become my mistress in the dark :P
These are the two other survivals of timely negligence.
你把我的心幻化为球
一个转身 一个微笑 一个投篮
留下一地眼睛的碎片
闪亮
Thr’s no title to it. Written about 4-5 years ago. Like most of my poems in the past, its done in seconds when I was suddenly inspired. This one was pretty widely circulated among my frens. I kinda liked it too cuz its one of a few which was actually simple n direct n looked more like its meant to be understood by another earthling. But then thr’s was also speculation from one of my frens that I mite plagiarize it cuz he read something similar elsewhere. Well do I look like I ever care? LOL
看羽毛沾上霸欲之美
我睁开眼 看你 展翅
傲立于我0度 以背
面对我的摒息 以及 欲滴的云雨
以 钛钢之翼打造 通往天国的云梯 以及孕育云朵的岛屿
“我不得不去”
逆风削来你内心凝结于眼角的泪滴
和 徘徊于你喉间战抖的回忆
你 的心 渴望一场圣洁的雨 平息你羽毛象核子膨胀的霸欲 侵蚀
如我泪滴 地面象泉涌的富裕 和他的子弟
你 展翅 然后 我 只能睁着眼
看你孔武有力 的冰冷之美
让黑暗高空 象炎阳照耀
让黑暗平原 象牡丹一地
让黑暗人心 正大光明
你说阳光 令你视而不见
他的头颅 呼唤他的腿
她的手指 摸寻她的臂
以及成千上万的 他和她的
亲友的
锥肝锤心 悲号
撒下一地的 红
鲜血的记忆 淌滴
当 爆裂夺空呐喊
象新年烟花绽放
在空中散开 回舞的花瓣 撒下一地的 红
他的头颅 她的手指
他的腿 她的臂
及 躺着哀悼的花朵
燃烧 你神经的神经线
新年爆竹处处响
令
你迷恋 飘在空中 红 色的花瓣
他的头颅 她的手指
他的腿 她的臂
和最后最后 满地红色碎片
残留苟存在泥土中的呻吟
This is another blatant remark of my naïve youthfulness. Wrote it cuz I wanted to send it to some competition initially. Dropped later on cuz its too troublesome to get passport photos, make a couple of copies which had to be compliant w the prescribed format etc. But then, probably I shouldn’t. Thr were parts that were too scattered. Some were awkwardly disconnected. N there were also parts that were not very comprehensible, even though there were a few that I kinda liked. Itz also a response to US’s invasion to Iraq that time. N the style of writing was influenced by the reading material that I was sinkin in, and also a sea of movies that appreciates the beauty of violence. :P
But then i found that it appears as if depression is my goddess of inspiration.hmmm m sure i wrote something happy n positive too :P will c if i chance tracing them.
Alrite, that’s all for a break. Cheerio
~Hey u, nay not u, but u, yes u,
I’m glad I didn’t take u for a walk down the stairways to hell when I could.
Even though I was tempted to.
but i was afraid that i could not avert the evil which was becoming of me~
-Dexter Season 2, Episode 7-
These r quotes registered in my mind, quite a handful from Dexter when I watched it. Pretty cool.
Ah, my Beloved, fill the Cup that clears
TO-DAY of past Regrets and future Fears:
To-morrow! Why, To-morrow I may be
Myself with Yesterday's Sev'n thousand Years.
-Rubaiyat-
Introduced by kye. It still amazes me n I still lk these lines a lot.
From Dexter:
The pink cloud
It’s not the person.
It’s wat that person makes u feel about urself.
Dat is real.
Sometimes the truth speaks from a peaceful place
-Dexter Season 2, Episode 7
Maybe this is how evil works. Destroying everything it touches.
-Dexter Season2 , mayb episode 11
Then thr’s some reference to Mark Twain in the serie, n I kinda of liked it too:
U cant depend on ur eyes when ur imagination is out of focus
-Mark Twain, quoted in Dexter Season 2
N thr were some other that I conveniently copied, trying to load this entry w a lil bit more wisdom from the wise :P
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
I really do believe in that, even though sometimes actualizing it is not easy at all. Even though I do it clumsily.And at times i'm not sure if that is what i'm doing.
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
"Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Probably I know it too early that my ‘education’ interfered with my schooling. Sigh :P
Then there were some misc quotes on the page too, so I thot I mite as well…
"Deliberate with caution, but act with decision; and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness."
"The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself."
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
Then under the mixed effect of watching Dexter and reading quotes, which is like adding mentos n coke to my brain, I started to make my own quotes :P
It’s the fuck of the century which denies my basic instinct(s) to survive.
This is the bomb man. My trophy line somehow cuz Ezanee actually complimented me. According to his professional judgment, this is the coolest line I have ever said :P It did lift me up a bit man, cuz I crawled from a man whose English “is fucking bad” (Ezanee and Friends, Being Polite, 2004)
If u hav watched Basic Instinct, probably then u would understand and agree on y its cool. But then u probably would not.
Then thr’s this childish corky nerdy cheesy quote that popped onto my mind 2 break that level-upped awesome vibe I had.
Morning comes when u hav u removed from mourning
lol
Thr’s a ring belling in my head when my fren sed that siblings are one’s link to his/her past. For me I’m blessed w a few more. Gay frens (with no reference to sex and sexual preference) who I hav known for my whole life, and my writings n sketches. Lost one of my sketchbooks which was a record of expression for the past 4-5 years. Even brought it to Php, NZ and Sabah. N at the meantime I found that I only have 3 pieces of writing(wateva they are) in my computer. M pretty sure I had the original ‘manuscripts’ somewhere at home :P
It would really be great if I could find more. I nearly forgot how much I liked 2 write. N how much I liked the language. Now ppl are even at times surprised that I know Chinese despite it being my fav. But it doesn’t show now , sadly. It has become my mistress in the dark :P
These are the two other survivals of timely negligence.
你把我的心幻化为球
一个转身 一个微笑 一个投篮
留下一地眼睛的碎片
闪亮
Thr’s no title to it. Written about 4-5 years ago. Like most of my poems in the past, its done in seconds when I was suddenly inspired. This one was pretty widely circulated among my frens. I kinda liked it too cuz its one of a few which was actually simple n direct n looked more like its meant to be understood by another earthling. But then thr’s was also speculation from one of my frens that I mite plagiarize it cuz he read something similar elsewhere. Well do I look like I ever care? LOL
看羽毛沾上霸欲之美
我睁开眼 看你 展翅
傲立于我0度 以背
面对我的摒息 以及 欲滴的云雨
以 钛钢之翼打造 通往天国的云梯 以及孕育云朵的岛屿
“我不得不去”
逆风削来你内心凝结于眼角的泪滴
和 徘徊于你喉间战抖的回忆
你 的心 渴望一场圣洁的雨 平息你羽毛象核子膨胀的霸欲 侵蚀
如我泪滴 地面象泉涌的富裕 和他的子弟
你 展翅 然后 我 只能睁着眼
看你孔武有力 的冰冷之美
让黑暗高空 象炎阳照耀
让黑暗平原 象牡丹一地
让黑暗人心 正大光明
你说阳光 令你视而不见
他的头颅 呼唤他的腿
她的手指 摸寻她的臂
以及成千上万的 他和她的
亲友的
锥肝锤心 悲号
撒下一地的 红
鲜血的记忆 淌滴
当 爆裂夺空呐喊
象新年烟花绽放
在空中散开 回舞的花瓣 撒下一地的 红
他的头颅 她的手指
他的腿 她的臂
及 躺着哀悼的花朵
燃烧 你神经的神经线
新年爆竹处处响
令
你迷恋 飘在空中 红 色的花瓣
他的头颅 她的手指
他的腿 她的臂
和最后最后 满地红色碎片
残留苟存在泥土中的呻吟
This is another blatant remark of my naïve youthfulness. Wrote it cuz I wanted to send it to some competition initially. Dropped later on cuz its too troublesome to get passport photos, make a couple of copies which had to be compliant w the prescribed format etc. But then, probably I shouldn’t. Thr were parts that were too scattered. Some were awkwardly disconnected. N there were also parts that were not very comprehensible, even though there were a few that I kinda liked. Itz also a response to US’s invasion to Iraq that time. N the style of writing was influenced by the reading material that I was sinkin in, and also a sea of movies that appreciates the beauty of violence. :P
But then i found that it appears as if depression is my goddess of inspiration.hmmm m sure i wrote something happy n positive too :P will c if i chance tracing them.
Alrite, that’s all for a break. Cheerio
~Hey u, nay not u, but u, yes u,
I’m glad I didn’t take u for a walk down the stairways to hell when I could.
Even though I was tempted to.
but i was afraid that i could not avert the evil which was becoming of me~
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Finally Finally
Finally hav gotten kari to come clear up my pc.
Its been a pain in the ass in so many ways.
Like cant browse any pages at all, can’t log on to anything etc
In which all cases happened randomly but the randomness was consistent for quite a period of time. It’s ‘virused’
I had been quite similar for some time.
But (m) finally anchored now.
I’m still glad that I took some time 2 wait till I could finally think straight to think through it. And attend to issues one by one. I wanna do wats right eventho it mite be slow. (n its not like I could rush for it anyway)
Says a very wise fren, ppl x think straight in delicate situations
And I think it’s essential to move on. Or it will be a landmine left to be triggered if I skipped this stage 2 wait for/gain the realization.
But yes, I think it does seem so, babe.
If thr’s an end after the end. This is it.
(Sorry if it contradicts wat I said. Really I could not be more serious)
It’s becuz watz hurt is more than feeling.
And I think I noe watz unintentional and watz not.
I think I do.
That only happened bcuz I let it to.
Those were the daggers I gave.
Those were the bulls’ eyes I let u see.
There was only one reason. There was blindness. (but its only me)
That entailed a higher degree of tolerance/acceptance. Sincerely it did.
N I could not be more humble in my plight.
Now my brain finally starts takin charge, it’s more a function of rationality.
It’s my independence.
I want it 2 be clean.
Cuz it is.
* Probably I mite be a disastrous episode at the other side of the story. I sincerely apologize if I was. Neva meant any harm at any time. Even though I can’t say that I responded well in all circumstances. But that’s the best I tried. I’m sorry if that’s the case.
But with this I’ll box it all up. Then I’ll proceed.
On another note, I found thr’s only 3 digitized writing that I did years ago in Chinese when I used 2 write all the time. Literally. This is one of it. Written about 5-6 years ago at a pretty gay time. (ard 4-5 am). So strange that every detail surrounding me when I wrote it is still so clear, including the emotional content. Felt like laughin when I read it. But thr’s nothing really laughable. And I was really young lol~~~
第一章 夜
因為快樂， 所以悲傷；
因為悲傷，所以快樂。
雖然這時候，頭腦不太清醒，也不太清楚何謂因悲傷而快樂，因快樂而悲傷；不過腦神經的確那樣告訴我：他就是這樣的一個人。
凌晨4.30am，再怎麼樣精神錯亂的人也不會在這個時侯瞪著鏡子；儘管的想像一些悲泣動人的畫面，自編自導自演。廁所的鏡子清晰地出現一張自戀的臉，有點蒼白，有點悲哀。顯然令那照著鏡子那白癡沉醉的，是一雙細小但會在陰暗處炯炯發亮的那一雙眼，因為他盯著它不放。它象一頭狼幽幽地看著蒼白的月亮孤獨的悲號一樣。似乎在裡邊的，有少許就是真實的。而虛幻的畫面，是那些真實可逃之處。
所以快樂的他需要躲進一個悲傷的虛幻里；
而快樂的虛幻需要擁抱一個真實的悲傷。似乎真的需要那樣才可以平衡。
現在的他快樂或悲傷？
現在的他快樂和悲傷。
他所能做的大概只有坐在桌前發愣吧？
風扇似乎也開始哭泣了，當他扭開了風扇以後。
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了生命，因而詭異。
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了哭泣，因而謐靜
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了光亮，因而黑暗。
他只寫了這几行，就停住了。從他胸間此時逃出了一口氣。隨後他泡了杯咖啡啜了一口，然后左手用力的捶了桌面一下。他的眉頭是微慼的。可能他不太喜歡咖啡吧？
他向來只喜歡喝茶，而且平常還滿祥和的。今天他顯得略為煩躁。說來他已經持續一個禮拜失眠了。
桌面上，除了有杯暖的咖啡以外，就是一疊雜亂無章的紙張。這些日子，他總會在夜闌人靜后，就有的沒的寫。那一疊亂紙旁擺著他的手機。他偶爾會對著那灰色的手機按按看看，然後嘴角一翹，仿彿看到的是天使用手機傳送給他的靈感一樣。那麼，他便感覺到生命，象天使一樣。
有時候他還會熄上房燈並且讓手機亮著，然後在床上睜睜的看著手機在黑暗里光亮的藍燈，似乎是一頭孤傲的野狼的不安的焦慮的害怕的凶狠的眼在注視他一樣。那光對他而言，就好像惡魔賜給他的靈感。那麼，他便感覺到生命，象魔鬼一樣。
他是一個很怪很怪的人。除了看他手機里的短訊的時候，他是木無表情的，儼然帶著一副逼真的面具，除了那一雙眼。
他三個月前，還把一張照片收在左手旁的第一個抽屜里，然後就不曾抽開過那一個抽屜，使人覺得他是在那一夜把那一幀照片給埋葬了。
不過，今晚很特別。
他取出了那一幀照片，然後注視它，良久。
然後他的呼吸開始急促。
然後，他在桌面留下了兩點眼淚。
放開 緊捉住 盲目的風箏
那是攤在紙上的最後一行字。
眼淚，就是輕輕的滴在“放開” 和 “盲目”的中央。
那一夜，他便睡在一個輕飄飄的細細的雨夜裡。
安詳的。
But it shows something.
Talent is a mysterious thing.
At times cruel. :P
In a very comedic manner.
But this waterdog still means real business when he jumps into something. Despite of some sayings (from some expert konon) that a waterdog is overly shy. :P Especially that he walks out alive now yaha~
p/s cant tell how great I feel solid and anchored again.
Excerpted from my chat w sakai heay :P
can u not tell.
finally finally i walked out.
finally finally i feel stable.
finally finally i feel anchored.
finally finally i feel solid.
finally finally i got myselves back into 1 again.
finally finally m peacefully unaffected by my past
(tho still need 2 carry some phantomlike weight n scars)
I feel good.
It's also interesting that for some reasons it's turned out 2 be wat i want now.
how? no idea.
Cheerio. Hakuna Matata.
Finally hav gotten kari to come clear up my pc.
Its been a pain in the ass in so many ways.
Like cant browse any pages at all, can’t log on to anything etc
In which all cases happened randomly but the randomness was consistent for quite a period of time. It’s ‘virused’
I had been quite similar for some time.
But (m) finally anchored now.
I’m still glad that I took some time 2 wait till I could finally think straight to think through it. And attend to issues one by one. I wanna do wats right eventho it mite be slow. (n its not like I could rush for it anyway)
Says a very wise fren, ppl x think straight in delicate situations
And I think it’s essential to move on. Or it will be a landmine left to be triggered if I skipped this stage 2 wait for/gain the realization.
But yes, I think it does seem so, babe.
If thr’s an end after the end. This is it.
(Sorry if it contradicts wat I said. Really I could not be more serious)
It’s becuz watz hurt is more than feeling.
And I think I noe watz unintentional and watz not.
I think I do.
That only happened bcuz I let it to.
Those were the daggers I gave.
Those were the bulls’ eyes I let u see.
There was only one reason. There was blindness. (but its only me)
That entailed a higher degree of tolerance/acceptance. Sincerely it did.
N I could not be more humble in my plight.
Now my brain finally starts takin charge, it’s more a function of rationality.
It’s my independence.
I want it 2 be clean.
Cuz it is.
* Probably I mite be a disastrous episode at the other side of the story. I sincerely apologize if I was. Neva meant any harm at any time. Even though I can’t say that I responded well in all circumstances. But that’s the best I tried. I’m sorry if that’s the case.
But with this I’ll box it all up. Then I’ll proceed.
On another note, I found thr’s only 3 digitized writing that I did years ago in Chinese when I used 2 write all the time. Literally. This is one of it. Written about 5-6 years ago at a pretty gay time. (ard 4-5 am). So strange that every detail surrounding me when I wrote it is still so clear, including the emotional content. Felt like laughin when I read it. But thr’s nothing really laughable. And I was really young lol~~~
第一章 夜
因為快樂， 所以悲傷；
因為悲傷，所以快樂。
雖然這時候，頭腦不太清醒，也不太清楚何謂因悲傷而快樂，因快樂而悲傷；不過腦神經的確那樣告訴我：他就是這樣的一個人。
凌晨4.30am，再怎麼樣精神錯亂的人也不會在這個時侯瞪著鏡子；儘管的想像一些悲泣動人的畫面，自編自導自演。廁所的鏡子清晰地出現一張自戀的臉，有點蒼白，有點悲哀。顯然令那照著鏡子那白癡沉醉的，是一雙細小但會在陰暗處炯炯發亮的那一雙眼，因為他盯著它不放。它象一頭狼幽幽地看著蒼白的月亮孤獨的悲號一樣。似乎在裡邊的，有少許就是真實的。而虛幻的畫面，是那些真實可逃之處。
所以快樂的他需要躲進一個悲傷的虛幻里；
而快樂的虛幻需要擁抱一個真實的悲傷。似乎真的需要那樣才可以平衡。
現在的他快樂或悲傷？
現在的他快樂和悲傷。
他所能做的大概只有坐在桌前發愣吧？
風扇似乎也開始哭泣了，當他扭開了風扇以後。
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了生命，因而詭異。
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了哭泣，因而謐靜
有人說，夜裡的森林充滿了光亮，因而黑暗。
他只寫了這几行，就停住了。從他胸間此時逃出了一口氣。隨後他泡了杯咖啡啜了一口，然后左手用力的捶了桌面一下。他的眉頭是微慼的。可能他不太喜歡咖啡吧？
他向來只喜歡喝茶，而且平常還滿祥和的。今天他顯得略為煩躁。說來他已經持續一個禮拜失眠了。
桌面上，除了有杯暖的咖啡以外，就是一疊雜亂無章的紙張。這些日子，他總會在夜闌人靜后，就有的沒的寫。那一疊亂紙旁擺著他的手機。他偶爾會對著那灰色的手機按按看看，然後嘴角一翹，仿彿看到的是天使用手機傳送給他的靈感一樣。那麼，他便感覺到生命，象天使一樣。
有時候他還會熄上房燈並且讓手機亮著，然後在床上睜睜的看著手機在黑暗里光亮的藍燈，似乎是一頭孤傲的野狼的不安的焦慮的害怕的凶狠的眼在注視他一樣。那光對他而言，就好像惡魔賜給他的靈感。那麼，他便感覺到生命，象魔鬼一樣。
他是一個很怪很怪的人。除了看他手機里的短訊的時候，他是木無表情的，儼然帶著一副逼真的面具，除了那一雙眼。
他三個月前，還把一張照片收在左手旁的第一個抽屜里，然後就不曾抽開過那一個抽屜，使人覺得他是在那一夜把那一幀照片給埋葬了。
不過，今晚很特別。
他取出了那一幀照片，然後注視它，良久。
然後他的呼吸開始急促。
然後，他在桌面留下了兩點眼淚。
放開 緊捉住 盲目的風箏
那是攤在紙上的最後一行字。
眼淚，就是輕輕的滴在“放開” 和 “盲目”的中央。
那一夜，他便睡在一個輕飄飄的細細的雨夜裡。
安詳的。
But it shows something.
Talent is a mysterious thing.
At times cruel. :P
In a very comedic manner.
But this waterdog still means real business when he jumps into something. Despite of some sayings (from some expert konon) that a waterdog is overly shy. :P Especially that he walks out alive now yaha~
p/s cant tell how great I feel solid and anchored again.
Excerpted from my chat w sakai heay :P
can u not tell.
finally finally i walked out.
finally finally i feel stable.
finally finally i feel anchored.
finally finally i feel solid.
finally finally i got myselves back into 1 again.
finally finally m peacefully unaffected by my past
(tho still need 2 carry some phantomlike weight n scars)
I feel good.
It's also interesting that for some reasons it's turned out 2 be wat i want now.
how? no idea.
Cheerio. Hakuna Matata.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
A rainy day
Its ideal to
Sink into the couch n read.
Take a nap when tired.
Having a cup of hot drink within ur reach when u wake up n continue reading.
Music is optional.
Its ideal to
Sink into the couch n read.
Take a nap when tired.
Having a cup of hot drink within ur reach when u wake up n continue reading.
Music is optional.
Let urself dwell into urself
Let it go, dude, so that it lets go
Get some ice cream n start a movie/drama marathon.
Dig up the brushes n charcoal which are soon to be artifacts
And make them lively once again.
(Before they r put to hibernation for the next 3 years.)
Try very hard to artificially seek some inspiration to pretend as if ur old passion revisits and dances w u.
With ur imagination.
With the strokes.
Or with the words.
Or ur shadow as reckoned by the great Chinese poet named White.
Let ur thots (n any form of (sub)consciousness) fall free in the free fall
Let ur emotion gallop free to free ur emotion (or urself from)
Shower ur dog in the rain. And get wet.
Worm in ur dog if its big enough.
Or let it worm in u if its not.
Stay at home. Thinking.
Spend some time w some kids in ur family.
Defy age and embrace purity without empowering sk2 :P
Let white be u and u be white (not racist lol)
Take a step back n think wat 2 do when the sail is aback. Properly.
Transfer negativity into positivity.
See the world afresh. As if raindrops remake the world.
Start anew. Open up (for the future).
Savor alacrity.
Spark up.
Let hope be fathomless or u’ll fathom hopelessness
(Let ur hope be fearless or u’ll fear hope)
Driving slowly w some snacks at hand.
Go out on a sing-o-jolly roadtrip w some crazy frens.
Shout it out loud downhill.
N begone w the wind yaha~
Let the wildness embrace u so that u embrace wildness
Understand y things usually slow down in rain.
Keep it aloft within ur mind. Things r bttr done nicely than hastily.
(If they r mutually exclusive)
Let ur spirit withdraw u from the world, so that the world withdraws u from ur spirit
Getting scarily psycho dy. Like heavy rain that stomps heavily.
on u. against u. upon u.
Drowning.
Be really crazy on a rainy day.
Or be really rainy on a crazy day :P
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m about to embark on something crazy again.
It makes me broke for the next couple of months. Let’s hope that I do myself justice :P
N will definitely rectify this sem among many other things to the best of my ability.
Apart from that, true voices need to be muted and real emotional expression still need 2 masked. As its reveal is still unbearable. Both its lightness and weight. See it once and dun wanna multiply that.
On another note, alacrity revisits. n its growing fine. :P
Cheerio.
On a Rainy Saturday :P
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Friday, February 22, 2008
Knowing and Doing
Now I’m supposed to be well versed w karma and how current life is failing the weak form of market hypotheses in a way. But then i'm not like my dad. However, what i understand is that the current state of being is a reflection of past beings, (not only limited to this current life’s), that somehow ur life at this point of time has some degree of inter-relation with the past actions/intentions(from here to the infinitesimal past towards the origin of time and being).
On that foundation, then it is built another paradigm that nothing is permanently real. That the relativity of significance of being results in continuos mirage that somehow feels so real that most being fails to see through its exteriority n look at its real core. Dat warrants calmness at all time. Against any circumstances. Against any joy. Against any harm.
The path to that realization requires continuous acquisition of wisdom.Only then a suspension system could be built within oneself to absorb shocks that the surrounding mirage transmits through its seemingly most real form.
Knowing is one thing. Actually doing n seeing through it all in an instant without struggle and without any undesirable resonance is another. My fren, or my frens, may all be blessed with breaking-the-matrix level of wisdom to live, for if u may u mite live forever. Amongst the greatest of the greatests. But then the greatests, more often than not are those who endure superhuman pain and evolve.
Cheerio.
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Now I’m supposed to be well versed w karma and how current life is failing the weak form of market hypotheses in a way. But then i'm not like my dad. However, what i understand is that the current state of being is a reflection of past beings, (not only limited to this current life’s), that somehow ur life at this point of time has some degree of inter-relation with the past actions/intentions(from here to the infinitesimal past towards the origin of time and being).
On that foundation, then it is built another paradigm that nothing is permanently real. That the relativity of significance of being results in continuos mirage that somehow feels so real that most being fails to see through its exteriority n look at its real core. Dat warrants calmness at all time. Against any circumstances. Against any joy. Against any harm.
The path to that realization requires continuous acquisition of wisdom.Only then a suspension system could be built within oneself to absorb shocks that the surrounding mirage transmits through its seemingly most real form.
Knowing is one thing. Actually doing n seeing through it all in an instant without struggle and without any undesirable resonance is another. My fren, or my frens, may all be blessed with breaking-the-matrix level of wisdom to live, for if u may u mite live forever. Amongst the greatest of the greatests. But then the greatests, more often than not are those who endure superhuman pain and evolve.
Cheerio.
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Wednesday, February 06, 2008
While i was slp'g
Rocky is gone. For real this time. No more return. Joyful or not. Defeated or triumphant. Alacritous or tired. Simply cuz thr's no more returning of him.
Heard mom teared as he was taken away. They said, thr's hardly a fight from him, unlike other instances in the past. Sis said he wanted 2 go away cuz he sensed the end of his time nearing.
i cant help but 2 wonder if we had a part 2 play.
does he feel that the house is no longer warm bcuz of the concentrated attention shifting to the new puppy. I remember the time when i would sketch him lying elegantly in the house. yea hes a really cool poser. And has been a really great dog and a member of us. He was even part of my inspiration when i was writing about men's dog-like behavior, for instance the mixtures of mens pride n sense of defeatism... those were the days. N he's probably the most religious dog i hav heard of. Mom said he would ask mom to let him get into the house when my dad prayed. He would sit next 2 him quietly. Mayb he's a being of higher state than i :P
True that i din rear him up from infantry. But he's been a member for ages.
Losing him brings a sense of loss. Beyond my expectation as i x cuddle him as much as i do to the lil one.
I'll miss him. May he find peace henceforth.
A happy cny 2 all. cheerio
Besides that, i received something cool 2 start my cny this year.
Rocky is gone. For real this time. No more return. Joyful or not. Defeated or triumphant. Alacritous or tired. Simply cuz thr's no more returning of him.
Heard mom teared as he was taken away. They said, thr's hardly a fight from him, unlike other instances in the past. Sis said he wanted 2 go away cuz he sensed the end of his time nearing.
i cant help but 2 wonder if we had a part 2 play.
does he feel that the house is no longer warm bcuz of the concentrated attention shifting to the new puppy. I remember the time when i would sketch him lying elegantly in the house. yea hes a really cool poser. And has been a really great dog and a member of us. He was even part of my inspiration when i was writing about men's dog-like behavior, for instance the mixtures of mens pride n sense of defeatism... those were the days. N he's probably the most religious dog i hav heard of. Mom said he would ask mom to let him get into the house when my dad prayed. He would sit next 2 him quietly. Mayb he's a being of higher state than i :P
True that i din rear him up from infantry. But he's been a member for ages.
Losing him brings a sense of loss. Beyond my expectation as i x cuddle him as much as i do to the lil one.
I'll miss him. May he find peace henceforth.
A happy cny 2 all. cheerio
Besides that, i received something cool 2 start my cny this year.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
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